From the very beginning I knew that my time is not up yet, even though I am in a critical condition dealing with cancer.

When I prayed, God never revealed to me that he was going to bring me home. I prayed to God whenever I had pain. My prayers were usually short like, “God, please heal me.” “God, have mercy on me. Please take away my pain.” “God, I humble myself now to ask for healing.”

Miraculously, whenever I said those prayers, God will always take away my pain. God sent angels (my sister and mum to take care of my daily needs) and a good TCM physician to treat me. God has also taught me to live each day by itself and learn to trust him in all situations.

My name is Molly. I am a Christian of 12 years. This is my testimony.

Hey everyone, thank you all for the encouragement in my blog. Just to let everyone know that I have never chosen to give up my life and my fight against cancer. Did my previous entry sound as if I have given up??? Hmmm…

For your information, I am still fighting against this terrible sickness. I am fighting it confidently because God is my pillar of strength and HE reveals his plan to me everyday and I know he will stay with me throughout this difficult period. He will lead me out. =)

I went for a routine consultation with my doctor today after finishing cycle 2C of Doxetaxel and also to find out the CT scan result done last week to moniter the status of tumours in my body.

As qouted from my doctor, “You are now in a critical stage.” It is because Docetaxel (the 3rd chemo drug that I am already trying) is still unable to kill the cancerous tumours in my body, (especially tumours found in my liver), nor can it control the rapid growth of my cancer cells. The initial primary tumour of 3 cm growing on my liver has now increased to 6.7 cm. More tumours are also found on my liver as well. The tumour found near my bladder has also grown from the initial 5.3 cm to 10.5 cm now. Hmm… oh my… so I finally know now that my cancer is the most aggressive among the 3 of us (me, my gyn-onco, and my cancer). Hehehe..

I’ll be admitted to the hospital tomorrow for fluid drainage, using ultrasound to guide the scanning at my abdomen and pelvic area. It will be a slow drainage, over a few days, to ensure that all the fluid are drained out. However, there is no guarantee that the water retention is not going to return. What they can only promise is a few more days of relief for my body.

And I finally found out today that the medical term for the fluid retention is called “Ascites”. Ascites is defined as the excess fluid in the space between the tissues lining the abdomen and abdominal organs (the peritoneal cavity), and is typically caused by liver disease. Other disorders associated with ascites include Hepatitis, Liver cancer, and of course, Ovarian cancer.

It is getting more and more difficult for me to pray for myself everyday, because the fluid retention is making me so drowsy and tired. Sometimes, the only words in my prayers are, “God, where are you?” Well, at least I know that when I draw near to him, he will draw near to me.

My doctor has planned for new drugs to be administered after my hospital recharge. But first of all, I need to feel physically strong (water retention caused so much fatigue that sometimes, I found myself talking without sense) before I can embark on the next journey of my fight.

Don’t worry, I am not willing to give up yet and I just said to Jesus that I am not ready to meet him in heaven yet. You may call me a bimbo, but there are still lots of things that I want to do. Like shopping, eating, touring the world, spending more time with my loved ones and meeting inspiring WonderWomen. I will continue fighting until the day that You want to take me back home. However, I think I will still resent You for bringing me home so soon. Hahaha!

There are so many emails that I need to clear from all the supporters, and my WonderWomen who kept writing in. Oh yes… winning The Singapore Woman Award has led lots of new WonderWomen to discover this site. I wish I can get to know each and everyone of you better so that we can further encourage each other. Hopefully, I will feel much better after the drainage and continue fighting this sickness. =)

p.s. I am quite sure I will be weak and in bed most of the time for the next few weeks. Even now, I am constantly feeling feverish from time to time. But not to worry, my ah lau will be helping to post updates on my behalf. And if possible, he will also help me reply the emails.

Sorry to everyone for the lack of updates because I have been feeling great discomfort over the fluid retention in my abdomen area. Thank you all for your concerns and encouragement through the emails, comments in my blog and messages I received in my Cbox. I will try to reply to all of you as soon as possible. Thank you for your patience. =)

My last fluid drainage was on last Friday and I managed to drain out 1.3 litres of fluid from my abdomen. Moo! Haha! It’s always a great relief after the drainage because I will have lesser burden on my abdomen area and be relieved of pain in my back.

After each session of fluid drainage, the only thing on my mind is to dash off and gobble on my favourite food because the release of the fluid will bring back some appetite for me. Well, I will feel comfortable for at least a day or two, and can move around or sit down without having pain on my abdomen or back. Thereafter, the fluid will begin to accumulate and my misery will start all over again.

The process of the fluid drainage can be quite painful and I usually screamed during the procedure although local anaesthesia will be given but I tried not to scream too loud because I didn’t want to embarass myself in front of my gyn-oco and the patient in the opposite bed. Hehehe. I remembered once when the pain got quite severe and I actually found myself tearing the pillow. Goodness me! I actually tored something out from the pillow. Hmmm… not sure what it was?! Definitely some fabric… heehee!

Last Tuesday, as I was lying on the hospital bed doing the drainage, one of my nurse-oco was chit chatting with me and suddenly she raised the topic about “death” and she asked if I am ready to face it. Oh my GOD! When I heard that, I actually found myself getting very emotional. I told the nurse that, “No, I don’t think I’m ready to go because I couldn’t bear to leave my loved ones, especially my hubby because we are each other’s best friend. If I go, he will be very lonely.”

I suddenly realised then that I was crying. Well, I thought I have already overcome death and mentally, I was already prepared for that day to come. However, my conversation with my nurse made me realised that I still have the struggles which is why it was so painful for me emotionally.

My nurse-oco then went on to share that it is also her responsiblity to speak to all the caregivers of cancer patients about dealing with death, and she hoped to speak to my hubby. Oh my… when I heard that, I quickly questioned her, “Am I going to die? Am I already in a critical stage? Is there anything that I do not know yet?” She immediately calmed me down and told me, “No la, it’s part of my nursing course… We were taught to talk to patients about facing death. I need to practice mah.” Nevertheless, she still left me feeling paranoid. Hehehe.

The conversation made me realised that I am still not ready to meet God yet. Well, the most ironical thing was that I have been praying for God to bring me home because I was enduring so much pain and sufferings for the past few weeks. I thought I was ready to go anytime. However, when I told my hubby and Fleur about the conversation with the nurse, I was trembling with fear. My hands were shaking when I shared this with them because I had so much fear within.

Well, it is not as if I am having a jolly good time on earth right now and I hope to spend more years enjoying my life here. But neither am I strong nor courageous enough to face death. The physical pain and mental trauma that a cancer patient need to face at his/her deathbed is hard for anyone to imagine. Can I really go through all that? Having said that, death also brings about the end of all sufferings and is itself a great relief.

Hmm… it is such a dilema right? How many of us are ever so ready to die anytime?

Lately, I have been feeling great discomfort in my tummy. The pain became greater when I tried to sit up as that will result in tightness and more pain on both sides of my tummy. My back will ache terribly too. This explained why I have not been blogging frequently because I spent most of my time lying in bed. I could hardly enjoy a proper meal and I lost my appetite. I ate very little and yet I put on weight.

Two months ago, I highlighted this to my gyn-oco. His explanation for my bloatedness was the medication that I am having (Docetaxel) and the pain could be due to the tumors pressing on my nerves.

Yesterday, as I was having my chemo infusion, I complained about my tummy discomfort to my nurses again and showed them my hard and bloated tummy. They speculated that it could be fluid retention and I may need to drain out the fluid, otherwise it will strain my kidneys over time.

I was then scheduled for an immediately appointment to see my gyn-oco. While lying on the bed, one of the nurses commented that I looked like a 5 month old pregnant woman. Well, I think she was too kind with her words. I guessed I looked more like a toad lying on bed. Croak!

I waited happily and quietly for my gyn-oco who was still having his usual clinic consultation for I knew my misery will soon end after the fluid drainage.

Finally, my gyn-oco came. He tried to make me relaxed by saying, “Wah Molly, you are now famous, your faces are everywhere when I went Vivocity…” I replied with just a short laughter and I was only thinking, “quickly do la… drain out the fluid.. ai si liao” (’going to die soon’ in Hokkien) Hahaha!

Well, of course I know my gentle gyn-oco was trying to make me feel relaxed because I looked tensed up and I was grateful to him for taking his precious time to personally do the drainage when he was already so loaded with work.

To make sure if I was really having fluid retention, my gyn-oco first inserted a syringe through my right tummy to try and drain out some fluid. Yes indeed, there was fluid! I was then given some anaesthesia to numb the pain as he had to insert a long tube with a drainage bag to drain out the fluid.

Once it started, oh my GOD, I could see my tummy shrinking immediately! It was instantaneous and magical! Hehehe!

My gyn-oco explained that the fluid retention could be due to my lack of proteins as my livers are currently affected. He then advised me to eat more egg white, at least four everyday to build up the proteins for my liver. Hmm… sounds as if I’m a body-builder who takes many egg white regularly for source of protein. Hahaha!

Guess what’s the first thing I did the minute I reached home? It was to weigh myself! I lost 2 kg! Haha! It was indeed a good “liposuction” session. Hahaha!

Thank GOD for his mercy because the fluid retention was causing great distress for me all this while. I was crying for the Lord on Monday and yesterday he answered to my prayers. He is indeed merciful. And many thanks to the nurses and my gyn-oco. They are indeed GOD-sent angels for my cancer journey.

Did cancer change you? For example, your personality or your perspectives in life?

When I was first diagnosed, I must say, it did not change me very much. I think from 2001 (since my first diagnosis) and up to my 2nd relapse, I was in denial, I was then determined to live life the way I had always lived before my first diagnosis, which was very unhealthy. However, I must say, the 2nd relapse was a good wake up call.

The 6 months of Chemotherapy, and because of the bone aching side effects during those chemo, I was forced to stay at home, in bed, unable to move for at least 2 days, I was able to slow down my thoughts and think things through. Also, during the 2nd relapse when I realised how serious my condition was and that I may have had only 18 months to live, I was frightened.

I started to realise how I have wasted precious years focusing on the negative side of my life, instead of focusing on the good things in my life. I realised that for years I have neglected my family who gave me 110% support. I realised I have not made enough effort to keep up with my dearest friends, and I have procrastinated on doing so many things. I had this acute fear that I would lay on my dying bed wondering why I did not do this, or that, or never telling my family that I loved them.

I realised I have spent so many years wallowing in self pity over my marriage, and when I reflect back on my life, I could remember only a lot of depression, a lot of sad memories. Basically I realised my life had been very empty… I knew then that life is way toooo short to focus on what had already happened, and I have wasted too much time lamenting, when actually I could have just accepted what has happened and instead focus my energy on how I could make the best out of the situation!!! It was amazing!

I realised that one can actually be happy, if they really want to be happy… In the past, I always searched for happiness, when actually, happiness had always been with me. It is just that I never made the effort to acknowledge it. I had God, I had a great family. So what if I did not have a very supportive husband, but I do have great friends! I had a good job, with good bosses. I have debts but I am not reduced to a point that I have to beg for help. I realised and learnt to focus on the positive side of my life. Even when I have a setback now, I will try to focus on what can I learn from that experience. Was it something I could control? If so, I will not fret over it anymore. If not, I had better remember not to let it happen again.

With the 2nd relapse last year, I learnt to identify my stress catalyst, and I learn also to love myself a little more. I used to hate myself, for who I am, for my looks, for my everything. I used to believe that it was because I am a Jinx, hence I deserved to be in the situation I was in (thanks to ex hubby). But I began to also see the effect that when I am more focused on positiveness, I became more pleasant to be with. I no longer start a conversation with complaints =) and hence I think, I have become lighter.

So, in a way, cancer has changed me to be a better person. Though I must admit there are still times when I feel bitter and upset, especially when something from the past haunts me, but now, I know I will bounce back and move on… Last but not least, I found God again. That alone is AMAZING!

I noticed that you complement Traditional Chinese Medicine with your western treatments, will you share with us how TCM has benefited you? 

Yes, I started complementing TCM with my western treatments since my last set of Chemo in 2006. The first TCM doctor that I saw only gave me Chinese herbs that helped to give me strength, and nothing cancer specific. It definitely helped me during my chemo. I was able to recover much faster in terms of strength. This is of course in comparison to my chemo treatments in 2001.

However, I must say, when I changed to my current TCM doctor this time round, my blood count is amazing. Despite the intensive treatment that I have, (8 day cycle) my blood count has never gone below 11 points. Hence, my immunity has been quite strong. I have also tolerated this round of chemo very well, only experiencing extreme lethargy during my first two days of chemo, and I am usually up and moving about by the 3rd day.

My response to the current Western chemo has also been very positive. According to my TCM doctor who specialises in Oncology TCM medicine, he not only gives me the herbs that also helps to diminish the cancer tumours but also some which helps to regenerate my blood and of course overall well being.

It is because of budget constraint that I currently do not take some of the other more expensive TCM herbs that can help my body further. But I have no complaints for my current chemo is a complete breeze.

I can also see alot of difference in my body tolerance for even simple things like the chemical dye that was injected into me when I do my CT Scans. My reaction to the dye now is much more bearable, and I no longer experience extreme reactions like extreme cold or heat after my scan.

I never was a TCM believer, I must say. Even whilst I was seeing my first TCM doctor, I was still sceptical, but went along with it purely because of my mother, and because the herbs that were prescribed to me were general herbs which we are familiar with. eg. Ginseng, Pianzhi Wang, Dang Gui etc.

But now this time round, I can feel the absolute difference.

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Have you tried visualisation or any other holistic approach in dealing with your cancer?
 

No, I guessed in a way I have always been more of a medicine kinda person. I am not so adventurous when it comes to things like health …. Basically, I always believe there should be a balance in everything. I think whichever approach is fine, most important is that, a person should not feel that she has to bend herself so much to try a particular approach that she is not even happy or enjoying herself doing it.

I may be wrong to have such a concept, but I know myself very well. If I have to do something that I am not comfortable with, then I will not stick to it for long. And if I cannot be discipline about it, i will not achieve the results that others have achieved and in the end, I will be upset. Hence, in order to avoid that, I stick to what I think I am most comfortable with, something that I know I am able to handle, and I can stick to without feeling forced. It is most important to achieve balance in one’s life.

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You continue working when you have cancer and while undergoing treatments. Well, I think it is really amazing! How did you manage that? Will you share with us about your working relationship with your employer?

Firstly, I have to thank God that I have amazing bosses who are definitely very supportive and understanding. Their compassion is amazing. Also for my second relapse, I was really lucky to have joined another department with a boss who is not only my boss, but a very good and caring friend.

Secondly, I love my job. Since day 1 when I joined the company, I have loved my job. It gives me great satisfaction! I guess it was more of the office politics that affected and stressed me than the job itself.

Thirdly, I refused to look at myself as a handicap. I try my best to perform, and I work harder than I would normally do just so that I do not put my boss or boss’s boss in a spot. I try my best to minimise their burden of having to wonder why they should retain me.

Last but not least, I have many supportive colleagues as well. It allows me to feel that life goes on. With a job to focus on, I am sometimes able to really forget that my life has been crippled by the monsters, although there are opportunities that I have lost due to my condition, but I am always thankful that I still have my job. Maybe it is because I am thankful for everything, hence, it spurs me on to be well.

< to be continued...>

Fleur is a Wonder Woman currently receiving treatments for a liver and backbone metastasis from her breast cancer. She was first diagnosed with breast cancer five years ago and was in remission for all these years. In August 06, scans revealed multiple spots in her liver and the biggest tumour was 5.7cm. She started her chemotherapy in September 07, and subsequently, she found 2 spots in her backbone as well in August 07. She is currently undergoing chemotherapy at the National Cancer Center.

I first chanced upon Fleur through her blog, and soon became a fan of her writings. I personally admire Fleur greatly for her optimism and bravery in dealing with her cancer. She continues to live her life to the fullest by leading a normal life like anyone else, in spite of her cancer. What I admire most about Fleur is her capability and determination to continue working while she is still undergoing regular chemotherapy.

As this is quite a long interview, I have separated the interview into 3 parts.

Below is the interview (part 1) I had with Fleur:

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Hi Fleur, thanks for agreeing to the interview:) So, how did you discover about your breast cancer? And what was your feelings when you were first diagnosed?

I discovered it during one of my self checks. Furthermore I had sharp stabbing pains from time to time. However, the lump was still quite tiny and I thought it was just one of the many fibroids that I was prone to have. However, within 6 months it grew so much, and the pain got more frequent that I actually got frightened.

When the diagnosis result came out, my surgeon broke the news to me. I cried alittle, as my ROM was a month away. I was frightened and definitely angry, as this has messed up alot of my plans for the next couple of months. I was also feeling quite lost, as I did not know what to expect next. There were so many questions running through my head; How will my life be changed etc? I always heard many fearful things about chemotherapy, hence it was quite frightening too when I found out that I had to go through chemotherapy.

In order to curb my fears of the unknown days ahead, I switched on my auto look forward mode, which is how I handle any projects. What are the next steps? What are my next action plans? What are the dates? How many days I will be out? When will I be able to go back to work etc? How do I tell my parents? Will my parents be ok? Will my boss accept my situation? Will I lose my job?

So many questions within that short frame of time..in a way, it was good, for I guess that stopped me from feeling sorry about myself. I was way tooo busy wondering and thinking about the arrangements that I have to make to feel devastated. So in a way, I was lucky.

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You are so positive Fleur!
Can you share with us the operations and treatments you went through?

In 2001, end of October - I had a lumpectomy done on my right breast. All the lymph nodes in my right arm were taken out although they were all clear. I also had a keyhole surgery done on my left breast at the same time for a small fibriod.

Mid November 2001 - I started 4 cycles of Intravenous Chemotherapy. Drugs, cannot remember the clear one.. the red liquid one was Adriamycin. This was a very terrible time for me, as I reacted strongly to the side effects of this treatment. Even though the infusion was only about 1/2 hour, my nightmare started from the moment they injected the anti-nausea drug into me. I hated the smell and taste. The chemo drugs gave me extreme head pain. I will scream and cry through the entire infusion.

Nausea - despite all the anti nauseating drug/pill that they gave me, I could not stop vomiting. I was completely out of it… since day 1.

As for balding. I did the kiasu thing, I shave off my hair to a complete ball.

Radiotherapy - I did an intensive 30 days radiotherapy, for about a month after my cycle 4. This was a breeze. In between all these , I had the CT Scan which I too reacted quite badly to the contrast, hence nowadays, no more oral contrast for me.

When I had my relapse in 2006, I found another lump again in my right breast through self check, although my mammogram was reported as clear! Went for more check ups and found out that the cancer cells has moved to my liver. I had one 5.8cm and a 3.2cm tumour in my liver. I was put on Paclitaxel (Taxol) and Gemcitabine (Gemzar) for 8 cycles.

We stopped at 8 cycles because, we saw very minimal improvement from cycle 7 to cycle 8. My onco then decided to put me on Hormonal Therapy, which would mean I would be forced into early Menopause. I was then put on Femara and Zoladex for 6 months. The first 3 months response to the Hormonal Therapy was great, however when I did my test again after 6 months of this therapy. My cancer marker has gone way much higher than before. Furthermore, my back was in terrible pain, so much so that I had to stay at home for about 2 days.

I went for a series of scans again, and found that the cancer cells had decided to go on a holiday and some migrated to my back bone. Hence in August 2007, I started my chemo again. I am not sure how many cycles I will be put through this time, as it all depends on how my tumour is responding to the treatment. The drugs that are now in my body are Vinorelbine (Navelbine) - Intravenous and Capecitabine (Xeloda) - Oral.

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Woah! You went through so many relapses! It must be really tough on you and your family. Who is your caregiver, the person who has gone through all these great ordeals with you?

Well I have to say I am blessed to have many caregivers *laugh* Hence, it depends on which occasion and what situation.

When I am undergoing treatment, I would mostly shift back to my mum’s place. She cooks my meals, and also brews my Chinese medication. She is amazing I tell you. Like last year, I suffered extreme bodyaches from the side effects of Pacitaxel (the previous round of chemotherapy drug). She would religiously massage me with ginger oil, each night before I sleep. She will also prepare all the heat packs for me to sooth my aching joints….

She basically does everything for me, from preparing my food, to washing my clothes, and sometimes, she spoils me rotten by even making sure that the water bottle by my bedside is always filled with alkaline water.

During my down days after chemo, I am usually very fussy with food. Some of the smells are just unbearable (a result of the side effect) and sometimes, I am just in such a irritable mood, that I pick on my food. Mumsy the super caregiver, would try her utmost best to cater to all these tantrums, and whims with no complaints.

All these are done on top of her looking after the house, my dad and her part-time job at the Singapore Post. She is also the standby companion whenever I need someone to accompany me for some of my treatments/scans. Why else do I think my mum is amazing? -At 70 years old she is nothing short of a Hero =)

However, when it comes to hospital stay, eg when I am hospitalised for any operation etc, my sister takes over the role of being my main caregiver at the hospital. She will be the one that will be with me from the minute I admit myself into the hospital, to the operating theatre and back. She will be the one holding the purge bag, when I come out of GA. Trust me, it is not an easy task, for I react very very badly to anesthesia. Hence, the vomiting can last for up to 8 hours continuously. She will also be the one to stay overnight at the hospital to keep this scardy cat company *grin*

For the whole of last year, my main companion for my chemo treatments was my cousin. She was there with me for all the treatments, making sure that I have my cup of warm water, that the nurses give me my hot packs, and I have enough blanket to cover myself.

I have a household full of WOnDERWomen too!

Again, I must not forget God, he is my main caregiver for my soul, my emotional strength. He takes care of me when I feel lonely, when my ex-hubby made me upset, and when I feel weak and despondent. He always makes sure that I have wonderful caregivers, when he knows I need them most.

A good example is like this year, with so many things happening in her life at the same time, my cousin was not able to company me for my chemo treatments. God somehow arranged it in some ways, that a friend of mine miraculously offered her help and had been an amazing companion. Of course, this is something I do not expect, but greatly appreciate. This is a good example of how, sometimes, when we leave things in God’s hands, everything will fall nicely together.

< to be continued...>

Hey everyone,

My ah lau has made me a WeAreWonderWomen.Com wallpaper to celebrate the 1 year anniversary for this site =)

Feel free to download (choose from one of the sizes below) and use the wallpaper on your computer! Let’s use this to spread cancer awareness to more young women.

> Wallpaper001_800 x 600
> Wallpaper001_1024 x 768
> Wallpaper001_1280 x 1024
> Wallpaper001_1600 x 1200
> Wallpaper001_1680 x 1050

As some of you may have already know, I was awarded The Singapore Woman Award 2008 during yesterday’s gala dinner:) Well, I was very taken aback because I didn’t expect it at all as all the other nominees have more compelling stories that inspire people. I’m hoping to share their stories in my next entry. =)

Just before the result was announced, I was still happily enjoying my pan-roasted fillet and telling my hubby that the fillet was “very nice leh, nice leh.” Suddenly, I heard my name being called! Oh no… I immediately swallowed the many bits of fillet in my mouth with the soonest speed, at the same time covering my mouth with both hands, looking as if I was showing a happy gesture. Hahaha! Hmm… besides I had to do a quick check on my breath for fishy smells. Hehehe!

Strangely to say, I wasn’t worrying about stage fright at all as I walked up the stage to receive the award. I guessed at that moment, my mind was only filled with thoughts like, “Why me?”, “I wonder why?”, “This is impossible!”

I gave a thank you speech that came straight from my mind. As I stood in the middle of the stage delivering a speech that wasn’t even prepared before hand, it was surprisingly that I didn’t tremble at all! Oh dear… I have become so thick-skinned now! Hahaha!

After the award presentation came a long session of photoshoot which was quite tiring for me. Then I realised that I was feeling a bit dizzy because too many people were coming forward to congratulate me. Hahaha! For the entire night, all I saw was hands and hands,  handshakes and more handshakes… *dizzy spells*. My mind then was only thinking of slipping away and heading straight home as soon as possible, remove my wig, take a bath and have a goodnight rest. Heehee!

However, I’m still glad that I stayed throughout the photoshoot because I managed to take a picture with Mdm Theresa Hsu! See the photo below!

As I returned to my table seat, Ms Catherine Lim, our well-known local writer came up to our table, congratulated me, and then offered to send me a copy of her book that she said will be a humourous and light-hearted read. Oh dear… she was such a kind and wonderful lady. Honestly, the moment I saw Ms Catherine Lim, my mind was only thinking about her short stories collections, like ”Or Else, the Lightning God and Other Stories“, “Little Ironies: Stories of Singapore“, and was reminded of my past Literature examinations… oh my… Hehehe. However, I do enjoy reading her short stories very much, other than the fact that I need to face those dreadful examinations after reading. Heehee!   

WeAreWonderWomen.Com is one year old this month. I would like to take this opportunity to thank my fellow wonderwomen, caregivers, friends and supporters. I couldn’t have accomplished this without your generous support and encouragement for this site. And yes, I felt indebted to everyone of you for receiving The Singapore Woman Award 2008. With your love and support, I have become the Singapore (Wonder) Woman of the Year. =)

Check out the following news articles about the award:)
- Cancer survivor wins MediaCorp’s Singapore Woman award
- Ordinary heroine’s gift of hope … and life
And a video interview by Channel News Asia!

Hey everyone, tonight is the gala dinner for the The Singapore Woman Award 2008. Hmm… I’m very excited to attend the dinner, not because I’m eager to win the award but because of the wonderful opportunity to meet other inspiring women.

Tonight’s guest of honour is Mdm Teresa Hsu and I’m very excited to meet her in person. As some of you might know, Teresa Hsu spent her entire life helping and caring for the aged, sick and destitutes. She is an amazing woman and a GOD-send angel to the needy. She is also known as “Singapore’s Mother Teresa”. 

If I manage to strike a conversation with her, I will ask, “What is your secret for a long and healthy life?” Teresa Hsu is a centenarian and to cancer patients, we are always envious and curious to know more about someone who is leading a long and healthy life. Heehee.

From the programme list that I received for tonight’s event, there will be a stage interview for all nominators and nominees of this award. On my… I have stage fright! So please… everyone, pray that I will not die of stage fright tonight!

Honestly speaking, all I want for tonight is to snap pictures of the sumptuous dinner, pictures of me wearing a wig, and any other subjects of interests that I may find to share with my wonderwomen and supporters of this site. Hehehe.

Thank you all for supporting WeAreWonderWomen.Com all this while. Your constant support is the reason that I am nominated for tonight’s award. I thank you all sincerely for this kindness that you have shown to me and other wonderwomen:)

I met up with WonderWoman Fleur last Monday at Compass Point. We arranged to meet outside Polar Puffs and Cakes and I managed to find an empty seat nearby to rest my lazy butt while waiting for Fleur.

Just as I was enjoying people watching, my handphone suddenly buzzed with a sms from Fleur and immediately I called her. The person who picked up the call spoke with a soft and sweet voice. Oh my… so that was how Fleur sound like! She asked, “Molly, where are you?” I replied, “eh… I’m walking towards Polar Puffs and Cakes because I couldn’t find a nearest seat to rest.”

As I walked towards the entrance of the cakeshop, my instinct told me that the lady who stood with her back facing me is Fleur, although I have never met her before in person. It was probably my own imagination of Fleur, from reading her blog and through the numerous sms, emails and Facebook messages we exchanged. =)

On thinking that, I chuckled, “Heehee! I’m actually standing behind you. Hahaha!”

Yes, Fleur looked exactly liked her photo. In fact, she does not look like someone who is 4 years older than me. Hmm… she really know how to maintain leh. Gotta asked her for some beauty tips to share with my fellow WonderWomen. We did not feel awkward or uneasy with each other at all because we have a mutual topic to talk about which is CANCER and it seems that we have known each other for a long period of time. Hahaha! I was totally comfortable and at eased with Fleur, talking and sharing about my own cancer experience, and of course my silly jokes. Haha!

After meeting Fleur, I realised that she is indeed an honest and genuine lady because she blogged exactly like who she is. I know some bloggers do not really blog in their real personality while others lied in their blog entries. Fleur whereas blogged exactly on how she feel and what she went through for her cancer journey. I’m so proud of her! She is really very cool!

That day, Fleur gave me some calcium pills (for my bone to prevent osteoporosis since I menopaused liao), multivitamins pills, and a bar of organic chocolate. Wah! She was so sweet and thoughtful! Moreover, what can be happier than to meet a virtual fellow fighter in real person?

That night, I didn’t sleep well because I was questioning GOD on why he had let Fleur to get cancer because she is such a kind and wonderful lady. When Fleur shared with me that she had to endure complaints and scoldings from her clients at times, I truly felt the pain for her. Can you imagine she had to cope with her chemo treatments, and simultaneously with the pressures she faced at work? It is not easy at all!

Well, sometimes I will share with my loved ones that my bitchiness was probably the reason for my cancer. To me, it was something similar to the Chinese belief, “bao yin.” (retribution in Mandarin). Hahaha! However, my loved ones, especially my hubby loved me for my bitchiness. Hmm… I wondered why leh. Hehe! Of course, all my friends love to hear me bitch too! You see, I need a channel to release my stress, right? Heehee.

As for Fleur, I really feel that she don’t deserve to have cancer. Really. She is such a kind and gentle lady. Likewise, when I went home to share with my mama about Fleur, my mama replied, “You are a good person too. Everyone also says that you don’t deserve this at all.” Hey friends, if you are reading this entry, do you agree with my mama? Hahaha!

I guessed what “Hope For Life” shared in one of her entries about cancer always bullying nice people is quite true. All the cancer patients that I met in Gynaecological Cancer Center (GCC) are really nice, kind and gentle people. Well, sometimes I really wondered why? Maybe cancer does have a life of its own. Perhaps it only bully nice people.

I was at Mediacorp Publishing last Thursday for a photoshoot because I was being nominated for The Singapore Woman Award 2008 organised by Vanilla magazine, and is now one of the 8 finalists!

Well, I was very surprised to hear this news from my hubby (who nominated me) because there are many many more inspiring women in Singapore who have touched and made a difference in the lives of others, while this online cancer support group that I started consists of mainly silly and crappy entries. I wonder how many people I have actually inspired or encouraged? Hahaha!

(Online TODAY newspaper on 23th February 2008, reporting The  Singapore Woman Award 2008, available online at  http://www.todayonline.com/articles/239144.asp)

My photoshoot was arranged at 10am by Theresa Tan, the Senior Editor of Vanilla from Mediacorp Publishing. Theresa is such a warm, kind and understanding woman! She had specially sheduled an early morning photoshoot for me to make sure that the session will end just before my chemo appointment. She had even discussed with her creative team to find the best possible way to make me feel physically comfortable for the photoshoot so that I will not be tired out. I was really very touched!

Pamela Ho, the Assistant Editor of Vanilla is another warm and friendly woman I met that day. She was there talking to my ah lau while he waited for me to do my make-up, hairdo and clothes. Pamela was trying her best to make me and my ah lau feel relaxed, and when I tried the clothes for the photoshoot, Pamela will kindly said, “so cute, so cute, she’s so cute!” Well, deep down I knew that I looked fat and ugly lor. Yes, “cute” was perhaps the best word to describe me. Hahahaha!

My stylist for the day (yes, I have a professional stylist to attend to me!) was the best stylist in Singapore - Fong-Fan, the Executive Stylist for 8Days. She chose a few dresses to hide my flaws (bulging stomach resulted from the few operations), eventually settling for 2 long slinky dresses with lots of glitters beads, one black and the other in white.

The minute I stepped into the dressing room, I immediately peeped at the label tag of those 2 dresses and saw “Christian Dior.” Hmmm… I must really take good care not to spoil them. Those dresses were too long for me because I have short legs! Hahaha! Fong-Fan then made me wear 6-inch high heels (that she described as ’stilts’) to go with the elegant dresses. I could barely support my own weight on them and I kept losing my balance! So embarassing! However, she was very very patient with me throughout.

Next, Fong-Fan put on a big kimono jacket with black fur trim on me, and she said, “YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST GLAMOUROUS!” I chuckled on hearing that because I knew the creative team must have been reading my blog. They knew that I love to wear glittering and shimmering stuffs to make myself look glamourous. Haha!

After the clothes trying came the make-up and hairdo session. Heehee. I was very excited! To me, it was like a FREE make-over session. Haha! Agnes the make-up artist helped to do my make-up. Oh my… I really looked completely different! Agnes was so professional and meticulous because she knew where my flaws are, and concealed them as best as she could!

When Agnes was almost done with the make up, the hairstylist Gary took over with the styling of my hair. He was very gentle with handling my hair. I’m quite sure the creative team must have pre-empt him that I’m a cancer patient with thinning hair and weak hair roots. Just imagined chunks of my hair getting pulled out if he used too much strength! Then I’ll probably looked like a clown! Haha!

Gary and Agnes were having some small talk while styling me up, and I overheard their conversation…

Agnes: David leh?
Gary: In Europe…
Agnes: Ryan leh?
Gary: Also not around.
Molly: (talking to myself in silent) David? David Gan from Passion Hair Salon? Oh my… that means Gary must also be from Passion Salon! Hmm… I wonder how much I have to pay to get my hair styled at Passion Salon?

Well, I was so happy lor. As you know I’m not a rich taitai and I usually have my haircuts at neighbourhood salons which are already good enough for me. Heehee!

Stylist, hair stylist and make-up artist, all fussing over me =)

After all these are done, I’m finally ready for the photoshoot. Joel is the photographer for the shoot. If I’m not mistaken, I think he is a celebrity photographer with lots of experience and has taken the pictures of many mediacorp artistes. He is really very good.

Well, I was liked a blockhead throughout the whole shoot because I didn’t know how to poise at all! Fong-Fan and the rest of the team were trying to make me smile naturally at the camera but somehow I was still pretty uncomfortable. I am only used to taking my own photos using my handphone camera in the bathroom! Hehehe. However, they were all very patient with me.

Honestly, I really pitied Joel and respected him for his professionalism lor. It is because he had to endure looking at this “lau cha bor” (me) for hours, who smiled so unnaturally at the camera. Not crinchy and nauseaous for him meh?

All the photos I took for that day, together with an “exclusive” interview with me, will be available in the April’s issue of Vanilla Magazine. And the results for The Singapore Woman Award 2008 will be announced on 26th March, during the gala dinner, which my ah lau and I will be attending. Will keep everyone posted =)

I’m writing this entry not to let anyone feel sad for me, neither am I trying to gain sympathy out of this. Well, I just need to update everyone, especially my friends, wonderwomen and supporters of this site about my latest CA125 result. Yes, it’s bad news again.

Since Nov 2007, my CA125 has been creepily crawling from the initial 13 to 26, thereafter 26 to 57, followed by 57 to 78, then continued to rise further from 87 to 605 and eventually reaching 2121 today! Yes, I got a shock! I wondered why? Well, I am really feeling well and fine, both inside and outside. Strange to say, why is my tumour marker rising up again and again?

However, my fight will continue. I will go through whatever treatments that is available for me. However, I have also prepared myself for the worst because I have lost the confidence in winning this fight. Really.

A cancer fight is almost similar to a child preparing for his/her examination. He/she will do the daily assessments, study hard and hope to pass with flying colours. Likewise I will go for chemo and treatments and hope for recovery and remission. However, it seems like I had failed again and again. So how am I going to feel confident enough to win this fight?

Lately, I have been lying in bed and thinking about GOD and heaven. The thought of meeting GOD in heaven warmed my heart and a sense of peace emerged from within me. I just felt so relaxed thinking of GOD and heaven. God is really merciful and gracious because he knows that I’m feeling tired and I need his comfort, and going to heaven means the end of all sufferings and struggles.

If I lose this fight and leave this world, my departure will mean a faithful and loving man losing his wife, two dutiful and loving parents losing their daughter, a loving and caring older sister losing her sister, a man of few words but a heart of gold losing his sister-in-law, a caring and generous mother-in-law losing her daughter-in-law, a bunch of caring and genuine people losing their friend, and some men losing an ex. girlfriend or an ex. ex. girlfriend or an ex. ex. ex… Hahahaha! Oh yah… and some secret admirers losing their object of admiration. Oh! Just look at how thick-skinned I am! Hahaha!

I guess it will be very mean and cruel of me to leave behind so many people while I’m myself enjoying in heaven. It is selfish, isn’t it? I am fighting this cancer battle blindly because I don’t know where it will lead me to. I don’t know what GOD had planned for me. But I know he works in the most mysterious, beautiful and perfect way.

I trust him totally that even if I die of cancer one day, it will not be a painful one because he will take away all my pain until my very last breath, as he is my heavenly father who will never leave nor forsake me.

Last Saturday, I was feeling really so weak and painful from the side effects of my chemo that I had to be confined at home. It was such a boring Saturday. As I was slouching on my sofa with a grouchy face, I suddenly heard someone knocked on my house door. I thought it must be the postman because my ah lau had earlier reminded me to keep a look-out for a hand-delivered mail while he is out for his Remedial Training (he failed his IPPT, haha!)

What greeted me at the door was yet another pleasant surprise from my good friend Jenny! Jenny had actually couried to me a pot of flowers and a HeirloomAsia accessory nicely wrapped (with the HeirloomAsia logo printing elegantly throughout) and tied with a black ribbon (check out the photos below).

Well, I was sooo touched! Do I deserve such a pleasant surprise from my dear friend? Am I worth so much of her efforts and time to cheer me up? Like I mentioned before, “she is someone whom I have not invested any time and concerns for the past 12 years.”

And just a few days before this, some of my Secondary School classmates started dropping some heart-warming messages to me. For example, ZhangFang whom I have not been keeping in touch for 6 years smsed and called me several times to check on my latest updates. Like my sister, ZhangFang kept questioning the reason for my cancer, till the extent that she got jolted up in the middle of her sleep when she dreamt of me. The amount of concerns that she has shown to me weighted just as much as that of my own sister.

Likewise, Jia Hui (one of my very closed Secondary School classmate) sent smses to show her concerns for me. Oh well, we have also lost touched for at least 15 years! What have I done to deserve so much concerns from all my old friends whom I have not invested any time on for decades?

On Friday, I received one more pleasant surprise from another closed Secondary School classmate - Jennie. Jennie had sent me a huge box of pink roses along with a very very cute plush toy (check out the photos below). The lovely surprise came with a card from Jennie with the following words:

     “Dear Hui Li (a.k.a Molly)

     Have been missing you since we lost contact. Glad to have you back. 
     Admire your courage and cheerfulness you have. To me, you will      
     always be the perfect Virgo gal. Strongly believe that your prayers
     have been answered. Send my regards to your family. Missing you 
     very much ya. Cheers.

     With Love, Jennie

I remembered during our Secondary School days, when any of our teachers shouted for “Jenny”, both Jenny (of HeirloomAsia) and Jennie will raise their hand to knowledge their presence. The entire class will then asked our teacher, “which “Jenny” are you calling for?”, and the teacher will normally get confused and embarassed! Haha!

I wondered, what have I done to receive so much love and attention from my old friends. People whom I have not been keeping in touched for years, but yet now showing me so much genuine feelings and concerns. They have all warmed my heart! So much so that I have ran out of words to describe this sense of happiness that I’m feeling right now.

Yesterday, I received a very sad piece of news that someone I know of in the Gynaecological Cancer Center (GCC) had passed away from brain hemorrhage due to cancer of the breasts that has spread to her brain. She was only 32 years old.

She always catches my attention whenever I was at GCC for consultation, partly because she was also a young patient like me. She has a tattoo on her back, which made me curious about her. Her handphone melody nomally attracted a lot of attention because it was a loud dancebeat music that will made anyone break into dance.

I told myself that She will be the first person that I will pass my WonderWomen namecard to when the cards are ready. So one fine day, I walked up and spoke to her, passed her my card, introduced my cancer background and invited her to visit WeAreWonderWomen.Com. From then on, our friendship began.

She will always update me about her latest treatments and progress whenever we bumped into each other at GCC. Likewise, I will update her about mine too. Once, she showed me that she had a cancer protruding out from her nose and she had to go for radiotherapy sessions. She told me that the last time she had radiotherapy for her brain tumours, it was very bad because she had multiple mouth and throat ulcers and was forced to go on a 3 months liquid diet. She told me it was unbearable for her and she lost her tempers several times. I totally understand her emotion turmoils.

Her cancer first started from her breasts, and putting her through a painful total mastectomy (removal of both breasts) followed by chemo treatments. Her cancer continued to get aggressive by spreading to her ovaries. Like me, She went through total hysterectomy and oophorectomy, removing her womb, cervix and ovaries. However, those evil cancer cells in her body was not pacified at all. They went on a further hungry feast on her lungs, thereafter on her brain, eventually ending her cancer fight.

Although She may have departed from this world because of cancer but She was never once being defeated by cancer because She put on a strong and courageous fight everytime. Her postive, jovial and cheerful personalities remained throughout her cancer journey. Yes, the cancer cells may have eaten her alive BUT THEY DID NOT EAT UP her brave soul.

I have decided not to upload her photo although I managed to find one in Nurse Amelia’s personal blog. I just couldn’t control my tears each time when I looked at her photo and I was always being reminded by her kind and amiable personality and the little short conversations we had before.

She made me hate cancer which is an emotion that I never felt before. I thought cancer is part of me. How can I hate myself, right? But when I saw how cancer had mercilessly tortured her body, I am now hating “it” to the core!

Finally, it made me understand why my gyn-oco put me through such aggressive treatments because he never show mercy for cancer. Likewise, cancer will never show mercy for us.

Last week, my gyn-oco was asking me about the side effects for this round of chemo. I shared that I had very bad constipation. I was surprised that instead of experiencing diarrhoea, I had constipation because diarrhoea is one of the side effects for Docetaxel infusion.

My gyn-oco went on to suggest eating prunes because he normally took a lot, especially international buffet served in the hotels in the morning. I chuckled at what he shared because I was there imagining him “attacking” the prunes with a glutton face. Heehee.

When I reached home that night after my chemo infusion, I started to have stomach cramps with what seemed like trapped wind in my stomach. Well, since my ah lau was not at home at that moment, I broke into a very loud smelly fart to ease my stomach pain!

Immediately after that, I sensed some oddness on my butt and I quickly rushed to the loo to check my panty. As expected, I had actually shat on my own panty! The side effects of the chemo drug is finally taking place after one week. Oh well, it is far better to have diarrhoea than stomach cramps and constipation.

Afterall, who doesn’t enjoy a good fart when no one is beside you, right?

Just to update all of you a little about my current status. I am now on a new chemo drug called Docetaxel. It is given once a week for 3 weeks and a break on the 4th week. I just had my cycle 1a last Thursday and I’m coping well with the side effects, except for some minor side effects like tiredness, constipation and slight body aches. Thank GOD for his grace!

The reason for the advancement of my cancer was due to the lack of response from my previous regime with Gemzar. This afternoon, my gyn-oco shared that my cancer cells had built a resistance against Gemzar. Well, I guess my cancer cells were probably seeking revenge on the many different types of chemo drugs that were bombarded on them. They must be sharing the same personality as me, choosing not to give up easily! Hehe! Well, come to think of that, those cancer cells are a part of me. So, how can I wage war with myself huh? Anyway, lets see who will be the one to surrender in this fight. Heehee!

Even though I have not been blogging for the past week, WeAreWonderWomen.Com is still very much ”alive” with the numerous comments that I received from my fellow WonderWomen, friends and silent readers almost everyday!

I like to take this chance to specially address all those who wrote in and gave me their support:

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Victor - Thank you for your well-wishes!

Chang Yen - Thank you for dropping a message in my Cbox and being a frequent visitor of this site. =)

Kala - Thank you for dropping a message in my Cbox and for your words of encouragement! =)

YeeHwee - Yes, I will press on! We will go shopping and eating together. Real soon, alright?

Craven - Thank you for dropping a message in my Cbox. Yeah, more “wonder silly entries” on the way…

YongHua - My dear NS boy, not easy to forget you. You used to correct anyone who addressed you as Corporal Tan but not Colonel Tan, until the real Colonel appeared behind you which put you in embarassment. Hmm… take bus 145, go where this time? Seriously, have you thought about majoring in obstetrics and gynaecology or even gynaecological cancer to help me and my fellow fighters huh? Haha!

Nicholas - Thank you for visiting WeAreWonderWomen.Com and for your prayers! =)

Nurse Amelia - Thank you for your constant encouragement and support for me and this site. You have even extended that by spreading WeAreWonderWomen.Com to Dr. Elaine. Haha!

Snowcloud - Thank you remembering me in your prayers and adding a link in your blog asking your friends to pray for me. =)

Tinkertailor - Thank you for your kind words. I will definitely brave on! =)

Faith&Hope - Thank you for your words of encouragement. You will win in your own fight too!

Cynthia - Finally you visited WeAreWonderWomen.Com, huh? Haha! Well, it’s ok to be late than never. Heehee! We’ll catch up soon, ok? I love to hear and see you bitching, it’s just so funny and entertaining! You just don’t know how charming you are!

Kel - Thank you for your kind words. The reason why I have stopped blogging for a week is because I wouldn’t want to blog when I’m feeling too emotional by my own ordeal, which may dampen the fighting spirits of my fellow WonderWomen. =) However, I will continue to update on my status and when I have any interesting information to share.

Isaak Kwok - Thank you for remembering me and my fellow WonderWomen in your prayers. GOD bless you and your family too! =)

Yixi - Thank you for remembering me in your prayers. Do take care while you are at Beijing. =)

Hon How - Celine mentioned so much about you! Thank you for visiting WeAreWonderWomen.Com.

Jadey and Doreen - Thank you for visiting WeAreWonderWomen.Com and your words of encouragement! =)

Sugarcaned - Yes, I’m aware that you have been a constant supporter of me and this site. You have further showed your support by bringing your ex. bf to visit this site! Hahaha! You are such a loyal friend lor!

KT - Yeah, see you at your wedding and at your condo’s swimming pool! Heehee.

Tulips - Thank you for writting a post on “WeAreWonderWomen.Com” in your blog. My eyes were watering when I read, “I prayed for her, I prayed real hard for her last night. I lost my sleep last night. I just couldn’t sleep well. I kept thinking what I can do for her beside just reading her blog.” I was really very very touched. I thank you deeply for your kindness and the compassion that you have shown to me and my fellow WonderWomen. =)

Gleefully and Nellie - Yes, like I shared before, cancer is unpredictable and aggressive. We will never know which chemo drug really works. Whatever it may takes, I will definitely keep on fighting!

Littlefaith - Thank you for your kind words! You have been a blessing to many people who visited your blog =)

Clarissa - Thank you for your words of encouragement and being a constant supporter of this site! Yes, see you at the next Heirloom sale. Jenny really gives very generous discount lor. Heehee.

Pohleng and Raine - Thank you for visiting WeAreWonderWomen.Com and for your words of encouragement! =)

Min, Joyce, Kal - Thank you for visiting WeAreWonderWomen.Com. Please continue to visit this site or foward it to your friends if you think it is useful or interesting. =)

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As for those who didn’t drop any comment, I know you have been faithfully checking this site for my latest update. You know who you are. I thank you sincerely for your constant support, love and concern.

My fight will continue. =)

Hey everyone, this is going to be my last post for this site. No, I am not going to close down this site and neither am I going to Heaven already. It is because I am going to embark on the next chapter of my cancer journey.

The recent CT scan has revealed that the cancer has spread to my liver. There are 5 tumours found on my liver with different sizes - 3 cm, 2.5 cm, 1.7 cm, 1.3 cm, 0.7 cm and 0.6 cm. A much bigger tumour of 5.3 cm was found near my bladder which explained why I kept having pain on my bladder for the past 2 months whenever I passed urine. I didn’t expect to have a tumour there because the pain was not abnormal to me.

Hmm… I guess I really have a high threshold for pain. Maybe dying from cancer might not turn out to be a painful death for me.

The other 2 tumours found on my lympnodes have also grown bigger. So altogether, there are now 8 tumours found in my body. By the way, my CA125 reading has risen to 605 (nomal is less than 35). Wah! Throughout the past 3 years of my cancer journey, this is the highest value ever.

Over the past few months, I have been diligently taking organic honey with organic apple cider vinegar/ lemon, Swedish bitters, black sesame powder and Vemma liquid supplement. I wanted so badly to share and recommend these to my fellow WonderWomen if my medical report turns out fine. Well, judging from how I have been performing, it seemed like those stuffs are not useful to share with others anymore.

I don’t think I can blog to encourage anyone because my condition is turning from bad to worst since my first relapse. It is just too desponding to read for someone who have cancer or is just diagnosed with cancer.

I may continue to blog if I have good news or anything funny to cheer my WonderWomen up. In any case, I will continue to fight this disease. If you miss me or my writings, you may read my previous entries.

Take good care and bye for now! =)

This afternoon, I met up with one of my best friend, Felicia for lunch and shopping. Our relationship first started as co-workers, and thereafter, our mutual hatred for our ex. workplace actually strengthened our bond as we loved to bitch about our ex. workplace. Felicia is a very helpful and caring friend, and most importantly, she is a very good listener. =)

During our chat, the topic was suddenly shifted to one of my previous entry, “He left at 10am.“ Felicia shared with me that she was very moved and saddened by the demised of my nephew, and afterwhich she broke down in tears when she mentioned about my cancer and relapses. Oh my… it was the first time that I witness my dear friend crying because she is always such a strong and “chiak” (fierce in Hokkien) woman. Hahaha! Never have I ever seen Felicia cried. Nothing could make her so emotional, even in the past when she was being taken advantage of at work.

I feel really guilty to make my dear friend cry and also my loved ones. They had shedded far too many tons of tears for me ever since my diagnosis, especially on hearing the numerous bad news. It doesn’t really matter to me anymore with the number of disppointments I may faced. Anyway life is always full of disappointments. However, seeing my loved ones being implicated into this misery is very heartbreaking for me.

I’m aware that GOD has his good reason for me to have cancer. One of the reason is to draw me closer to GOD, to ask for healing. However healing is not GOD’s plan for everyone. If GOD forsees an impending cell mutation, he can either control it or not. If he does not, he has a higher purpose.

Anyway, Felicia got me a gift which is a “Wonder Woman” address book. It is very gorgeous! (check out the photos below.) I’m going to record the contacts and information details of all my WonderWomen in this address book! Heehee.

(The “Wonder Woman Addresses” book.) 

(Hmm… Wonder Woman has a moustache! Check out picture on the the left. Hahaha.)

(I like the title, “Forget the Old, New Wonder Woman is Here!” Wonder Woman marrying a monster?? Just like me marrying my hubby?? Hahaha!!!)

Yesterday, I had a CT scan to moniter the size of my 2 tumours. As usual I was told to drink down 2 cups of “contrast medium” to enhance the CT images of my abdomen. When the time came for the nurse to set the plug on my hand for infusing saline and more “contrast medium”, I began to worry about my veins. It is because according to my nurse onco, there are already no “visible” veins to be found in my hand. Haha!

Hmm… I thought even if there is any visible vein line, I’ll prefer to “reserve” it for my upcoming chemo infusion (I only have one vein left which is not clogged up). I resist having a ‘Hickman line’ to be fitted under my collar bone to infuse chemo drugs and blood draw because the thought of having a plastic tube under my skin to my veins is scary. Hence, I was always very enthusiastic in helping the nurses to detect veins in my hands.

Just when I thought the nurse will have a hard time searching for a vein, all of a sudden I spotted one very potential vein for her to poke on! It is located near the policis brevis of my left hand. The good luck continued as I subsequently spotted 2 more prominent large veins on my arms! Heehee. I hope my hand veins will continue to stay noticeable until all my chemo sessions end. =)

By the way, do you girls remember in one of my previous entry, “Showing my ‘kar-chng’ from one hospital to another“, I wrote about rectal contrast used for my CT scan? As an experienced patient with rectal contrast, I thought all will turn out fine yesterday, until the nurse inserted the rectal contrast through my anal.

All of a sudden, I had a little cramp in my abdomen. I guessed it was because I hadn’t cleared my bowels in the morning and in that instance, some medium contrast actually flowed out from my anus! Eeeeeee… the gushing was almost similar to ”chua sai” (bowel incontinence in Hokkien) and the poor nurse had to run to the couch where I’m lying to clean my butt. Oh my… it was so embarassing! I felt like I’m an old woman suffering from dementia! Heehee.

Few days ago, I chanced upon a website article by Nancy Campbell who is a publisher and editor of Above Rubies Magazine and Director of the International Women’s Ministry. Above Rubies is a ministry that encourages wives, mothers, and homemakers with biblical counseling to fulfill God’s highest purpose for us.

In the website, I have extracted a few interesting paragraphs from an article called, “Protect your Womb!” by Nancy Campbell.

     “Curses. The sins of the parents from past generations can bring a curse
     upon the womb. It can also come upon us through our own sin or negative
     confession. We should be careful not to speak negatively about any of our
     reproductive organs. Guard how you speak about menstruation. When you call
     it ‘the curse’ or other negative names, you give an opportunity for the curse 
     of barrenness or other disorders to come to your womb. A curse on the womb 
     can be a failure to menstruate, painful or irregular menstruation,
     cramps, cysts, tumors, continual miscarriage and inability to conceive 
     - in fact, anything that affects your reproductive organs. Now please don’t get 
     me wrong. I am not saying, that if you have one of these disorders that it is 
     because of a curse. There are often other factors involved. But there could be 
     a possibility…”

Hmm… I remembered I used to dread having my monthly menstruation because they were usually very heavy and painful. Sometimes, I will secretly wished that something bad will happened to my womb to stop those dreadful menstruation. After reading this paragraph, I’m wondering if I had cursed myself to have Ovarian Cancer, that resulted in me having to go through a hysterectomy to remove my womb.

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Another interesting paragraph extracted from the article is:

     “It is especially important to protect your ovaries. Not only do they release  
     the egg each month, but also they release estrogen, which has a big bearing 
     on your emotions. Don’t allow a doctor to take out your ovaries just
     because they ‘might’ become cancerous. Protect them at all costs. It is 
     interesting to note that depression is two to three times more prevalent  
     after a hysterectomy operation than any other surgery. I know a mother
     of a large family who was a wonderful mother. Later in life she had a
     hysterectomy and an oophorectomy. It was astounding to notice  
     that after this operation she no longer had the warmth and feeling  
     that she once showed to children.”

(The full paragraph can be read at
http://rubies.articledirectoree.com/articles/motherhood/protect-your-womb-50_3.html)

Haha.. this doesn’t apply to me though because after my hysterectomy and oophorectomy, I still continue to love and care for little kids. In fact, my “motherly” instincts for kids was much stronger than before as I had now lost the chance for parenthood. What about anyone else who had gone through a hysterectomy and an oophorectomy? Do you start hating kids?

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Ok, one more interesting paragraph extracted from the article:     

     “Recent studies clearly show that an unborn baby is affected deeply by the 
     by the attitudes of the mother. If the mother rejects the child in her womb,
     her child will suffer from this rejection at some stage in his/her life. If the 
     mother is full of fear, that fear will enter her unborn child. If the father
     who gave the seed of life or the mother is willful, that iniquity will touch 
     the unborn baby. Tempers, unforgiveness and bitterness that are 
     not dealt with will be passed on to future generations.”

(The full paragraph can be read at
http://rubies.articledirectoree.com/articles/motherhood/protect-your-womb-50_7.html)

Hmm… so our parents are to be blamed for our shortcomings, huh? Heehee. We have inherited all their character flaws! Haha!

Even the bible mentioned, “Rebellion in the parents can also be passed on to the children.” Psalm 58:3 says, “The godless are perverse from the womb.”

No wonder there’s a saying, “Like father, like son” and “Like mother, like daughter.” Hahaha. 

As some of you might already know, Singapore’s most famous Orang Utan - Ah Meng has passed away on Friday morning from old age. Ah Meng is one of our national icon with numerous media publicity and she had contributed greatly to our tourism industry.

In 1982, when I was just a Primary 1 kid, I was very fascinated by the famous TV commercial showing Ah Meng having breakfast with tourists. Ah Meng was especially popular among kids for her friendliness.

I still remembered that it was very expensive to visit the Singapore Zoological Garden during the 1980s. Going to the zoo was already a huge thing to boast about, let alone having breakfast with Ah Meng.

Whenever I watched the “Breakfast with an Orang Utan,” commercial, I will imagine myself enjoying the Western breakfast with Ah Meng. So, when I played masak masak (”little children play” in Malay) with my sister, one will act as Ah Meng, while the other one will be the “rich kid” having breakfast with Ah Meng.

It was like a dream to have breakfast with Ah Meng when I was young. Hahaha!

Yesterday, when I shared this with my hubby, he laughed loudly at my silliness. Well, I thought that was a normal thing to do when girls played masak with their playmates.

The demise of Ah Meng actually brought back many fond memories to me and my loved ones. However, it was a pity that I did not get to fulfill my childhood dream of having breakfast with Ah Meng afterall.

I had 2 reunion meals yesterday, lunch at my mama’s and dinner at my mother-in-law’s place. It was also my first experience to prepare food for 12 people, from my own family and my hubby’s family!

The food which I prepared were stired fried kimchi with chicken breast, fried rice, and abalone with spinach. The meals was much like a a buffet spread to me because my tummy was almost bursting after that.

Check out the photos below and look out for the dishes that I prepared (*hint: aluminium trays! ). Haha.

For this Lunar New Year, I’m wishing all my WonderWomen many chemo-free years ahead and especially for “Hope for Life”, I hope you will have a successful cell transplant and speedy recovery! To all caregivers and loved ones of WonderWomen, I’m wishing all of you great health and a prosperous Lunar New Year!

By the way, remember in my previous entry - “I want to make a glamourous appearance too”, I mentioned that I had a bald spot from this round of chemo? Guess what? I’ve found a remedy for it! It is a nice glamourous shimmering hair clip to pin up my hair and cover that ugly bald patch. Check out the photos below. Heehee.

Bbbbbbyyyyyyeeeeeeeeee… I am now making my way to my grandma’s “casino” to make my glamourous appearance. Hahaha.

Hey WonderWomen and loved ones/caregivers of WonderWomen,

Other than sharing my cancer story and experience in this site, I am starting a new content to interview other Wonder Women and share their cancer stories. As you know, every cancer story is an unique story and each of us have a different story to tell, so I thought it will be great to share the many stories of amazing journeys with more young women.

I am right now also inviting all my Wonder Women to start sharing their cancer stories on this site. Your unique cancer story will help to inspire, encourage and empower more young female cancer survivors and young women. Write to me if anyone of you is interested to be interviewed (or nominate someone to be interviewed)! =)

The first Wonder Woman that I will be interviewing is Fleur! Frequent visitors of this site will know that Fleur is a breast cancer survivor who continued to stay positive and brave inspite of her 2 relapses. She has tumours found on her liver and backbone. Her persistent fight is so remarkable that the tumour which resides on her liver has shrunk from the initial 5.8 cm to 1.7 cm and her recent tumour marker test result was declared normal by her doctor!

Fleur is a Wonder Women who is open to trying both Western and Eastern treatments. Besides having great knowledge in anti-cancer food, she takes traditional Chinese medicine with an open mind. Some of the Chinese “medicine” that she took are so “exotic” that it never even crossed my mind that they can be eaten, for example “cow yellow” (牛黄) Hahahaha! Well, I guessed it was because she fought the disease with an open mind and that resulted in her recovery. =)

I am already in the midst of interviewing Fleur and hopefully will get to post the interview in my next entry. Fleur, everyone is waiting for your cancer story leh. Are you feeling a bit of stress? Heehee.

Do you believe in dream interpretation or do you believe that dreams actually symbolize a certain pending fortune or catastrophe? Do you believe that GOD uses dreams to communicate with his people?

I remembered about 5 years before my cancer diagnosis, I experienced a nightmare. In my dream, I dreamt that I was lying on a white bed that seemed like a hospital bed to me. A man whom I perceived was the doctor revealed to me that I had some problems with my lower abdomen and it will be difficult for me to bear children.

The following day, I shared the dream with one of my close friend. She went on to console me that it was just a dream and that I shouldn’t be disturbed by it. Even though this happened more than 8 years ago, I still remember the details of the dream.

I’ve heard that it usually takes a cancer tumour 8-10 years to develop into a physical mass. Prior to that, cancer cells are already present in a person’s body for years before the formation. So am I right to say that the bad dream which I had was a warning to me that I am having cancer?

Hmm… quite mystical isn’t it?

I remembered 2 months before my 2nd relapse, I was suddenly jolted up during my sleep, and I found my hand placed on my 8 cm scar at my left pelvic area. Even though there was no pains or discomfort, but I started pressing around the area and felt the presence of 2 very tiny hard lumps.

This spurred me to highlight the fact to my gyn-oco who explained that the lumps were actually sutures, not cancer-related because my CA125 result was normal. However, I still felt uneased over the whole matter. 

Weeks after that consultation, my CA125 started to show some abnormality that prompted my gyn-oco to arrange a PET scan for me. The result showed that I had 2 cancer tumour at the blood vessels of my left pelvic region. Although the 2 cancer tumours were not the ones which I highlighted to my gyn-oco, however they were hidden in my left pelvic area as well.

Strange to say, why was I being waken up in the middle of my sleep with my hand touching my left pevic area? Was my subconscious telling me of an impending bad news? And that was why I was being waken up from my sleep?

Ok here’s yet another example. On one particular midnight about 5 years ago, I dreamt of one of my maternal uncle looking at me with bulging eyes, gulping for air and coughing severly on his bed with several people crowding around him and trying to save him. In my dream, I was starring at him helplessly.

The next day, I was being told by my mama the uncle that I dreamt of has gone missing. Few days later, he was found dead lying on a hotel bed. He had committed sucide by suffocating himself to death. Does anyone feel goosebumps on your arms, neck or any parts of your body after reading this? =)

Am I sounding like some psychic or guru here? Hahaha. Well, I had experienced too much coincidences to make me wonder why? Can dreams really foretell an impending fortune (or misfortune) for us? Or does GOD choose to speak to us through our dreams? Hmmm… I really wonder…

Are any of you born in the 1970s?

Does anyone still remember that kids in Primary Schools at that time were asked to drink milk in classes? I remembered that the milk delivery was made twice a week. There were different flavours ranging from chocolate, vanilla, strawberry and banana. My favourite flavours are the banana and strawberry ones. What about you?

I recalled that I was a frightful primary 1 kid. My teachers’ instructions or requests was a serious thing to me because I was afraid of scolding and punishment. Little did I know that drinking milk wasn’t an instruction and it wasn’t compulsory.

Weeks later, I noticed that some of my classmates were watching and drooling over those who drank milk in class. Then I realised that it was an option whether or not to order the milk. I went home to clarify that with my mama and was told that it was indeed an option.

Immediately, I told my mama that I would like to cancel my milk order and lied to her that I disliked milk. In actual fact, I didn’t want to add more financial burden to my parents. Does anyone still remember the price for a packet of milk at that time? I remembered vividly that it costs 30 cents per pack and that adds up to a total of $2.40 per month. In those days, $2.40 a month is a big deal for lower-income family like us.

(Me and my sister, I was 3 years old and she was 5 years old.)

Moreover, since my older sister continued with ordering milk, I thought she may perhaps “discard” her least preferred flavour - the banana flavoured milk - to me. I remembered there was once I was delighted when she gave me her banana flavour milk and I sipped slowly, enjoying every taste of it on my journey home in the school bus.

As you know in those days, most school bus were non air-conditioned, old and jerky, and always packed with 40 over smelly and sweaty kids. Although it was an uncomfortable and suffocating ride, I still managed to enjoy my banana milk because it was long-pining.

Just when it was time for me to alight from the school bus, I suddenly felt some tightness in my chest. I broke down with cold sweats, then felt nauseous, and the very next moment, I found myself vomiting out my banana milk! It was so uncontrollable and everything that I just drank gushed out through my mouth. The milk splattered on the staircase where I puked and my heart was aching over the waste of it all.

Ever since that incident, I never drank milk on the bus again for the longest time that I can remember. =)

During the last consultation with my gyn-oco, I asked him the reason for the aggressive behaviour of my cancer. As you know, I was initially diagnosed with stage 2C and grade 2, Endometrioid Ovarian Cancer in December 2005, then I was re-diagnosed in February 2007, then re-diagnosed again in November 2007. I wonder when is this drama thingy going to end?

My gyn-oco explanation to me was, “It could be due to the genetic make-up that you have. Your cancer cells have legs, that is why it ran faster.”

I thought, what kind of potent stuffs have I fed my cancer which caused them to have strong “legs”? Both my paternal great grandmother and maternal grandfather died of cancer (of the breasts and colorectal respectively). It MUST be this super duper combo which invigorated my cancer cells.

The above caricature was drawn by my hubby 3 years ago. Did you noticed that all my cancer cells have legs? Haha! My hubby had already perceived that ‘fact’ long before my gyn-oco!)

Well, just to share some information about my cancer type. Ovarian Cancer is categorised into 3 major types:

1. Epithelial tumors (including serous, endometrioid, mucinous, and clear cell tumors)
2. Germ cell tumors
3. Sex cord-stromal cell tumors

Epithelial Ovarian Cancer (the category that I belonged to) is the commonest and deadliest of all Ovarian Cancers because it tends to grow and spread very quickly. Britanny Waldrep (she is in my blogroll) is an Ovarian Cancer fighter who passed away at the age of 25. She was first diagnosed with Stage I, Grade 1, Mucinous Ovarian Cancer (belonging to the Epithelial tumors’ category). To me, her initial diagnosis did not sound aggressive at all.

For 2 years after her diagnosis, Britanny had diligently visited her doctors every 3 months for her rountine checkups until she began to experience stomach pains and discovered that her cancer has returned and it was already at a very late stage. Her initial ultrasound scans, Pap scans and CT scans done during her rountine checkups were all cleared by her doctors as “normal”. 

Read more about Britanny’s story at http://www.nlovca.org/brittany.html

Ovarian Cancer is truly a silent killer. Just liked what my traditional Chinese Physician once shared with me, “the stage or grade of your cancer doesn’t really matter anymore because Ovarian Cancer has high frequency of relapses, you must be very careful!” And yes, particularly for my type of cancer cells; they have “legs” that make them run faster!

This was a mail which I received from Kel. I hope to address her queries, and at the same time, I hope to use this entry to raise some awareness for ovarian cancer to young women. May the sharing of my experiences and these information be a blessing to someone. =)

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Ovarian cancer is known as the “silent killer” because it bears vague symptoms. Very often, ovarian cancer is not discovered until tumours are found outside the ovary whereby it is too late to be treated and is normally fatal.

I was very blessed to have discover my ovarian cancer during a key-hole surgery with initial plan to remove my 7 cm cyst which turned out to be a 12 cm cancerous tumour during the 6 months of wait for the key-hole surgery. Prior tests were done on me, but yet my ovarian cancer was not being detected.

Although ovarian cancer is a “silent killer”, but it DOES speak if you listen hard for some tell-tale signs.

It was because of certain symptoms on my body which prompted me to ask for an abdominal ultrasound scan from a female doctor at Tampines Polyclinic. I remembered when I shared with her that I had pains on my left ovary and abdominal areas, she screamed at me saying, “IT IS NORMAL TO HAVE PAIN DOWN THERE!!” She sounded as if I was making a ridiculous request in asking for an abdominal ultrasound scan.

Nevertheless, I insisted for the scan because my body told me that what I had been suffering all these years were abnormal. I was glad that I listened to my own body. =)

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Often, ovarian cancer bears vague symptoms. I experienced the following symptoms for the past ten years before my diagnosis:

1) I had persistent pains at my left ovary days before my menstruation which will lead to vomiting because the pains were too severe. My menstrual cycles were short and heavy, sometimes I will passed out dark, and huge chunky clots of blood. 

2) I had pains on my bladder which doctors assumed was due to urinary tract infections.

3) I put on a lot of weight over the years, especially on my abdominal area which I thought was due to my high-fats diet. Hahaha. There were swelling on my legs especially on my ankles and they really looked like elephant legs or tree trunks. Hahaha.

4) I had frequent diarrhea which I thought was due to gastric flu or irregular meals.

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What I had experienced may not apply to all ovarian cancer patients. I guessed it depends on the individual as different ovarian cancer patients faced different symptoms prior to their diagnosis. I found some information via the internet for the possible symptoms:

1) Swelling in the abdomen

2) Pain in the lower abdomen

3) Nausea, excess gas (wind) and a bloated, full feeling

4) lower back pain

5) Swelling in the legs

6) Change in bowel or bladder function

7) Sudden weight loss or gain

8) Pain during sex

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Hope that these information has cleared and answered the questions that some of you have in mind. Ovarian cancer is now the 4th commonest female cancer in Singapore. If anyone of you are in doubt, do go for a scanning or checkup. Most importantly, listen to your body. =)

Hey WonderWomen and loved ones/ caregivers of WonderWomen,

I’m starting a new column called, “Hi Molly”. This new column will be dedicated to the emails and comments that I received since I started WeAreWonderWomen.Com. Some of these questions / comments were related to my cancer while others were queries related to health & wellness issues which I’m clueless at times.

I thought it will be good to address some of these questions and comments as stand-alone entries and use them as topics of discussion. As you know, WeA