The upcoming episode 5 of “A Journey of Hope”, a program from Channel News Asia focuses on Ovarian Cancer, and shows the fight that ovarian cancer patients go through everyday. The show will share the experiences of 3 amazing ladies who has valiantly fought and survived the illness.

Molly has battled with Ovarian Cancer for two and a half years, and over the course of her journey, we realised how little people know about ovarian cancer, and how this silent killer is often misunderstood. There are no true tests for ovarian cancer, which means to say early discovery through regular checks and screenings are not an option (unlike pap smears to detect Cervical Cancers and screenings for Breast Cancer). Treatment like operations, chemotheraphy, and even the chemo drugs and how they are taken also differs depending on the cancer type. Due to the agressive nature of Ovarian Cancer, usually alot more need to be done in order to keep the cancerous cells under control and make sure they never return.  

Perhaps it is because Ovarian Cancer cannot be prevented, hence we seldom see any awareness campaigns for it. However, Ovarian Cancer is now the 5th leading cause of cancer death in women, and the 2nd most commonly diagnosed gynaecological cancer.

Do catch the show on the Channel News Asia on the following timings to understand more:
> Wednesday (3rd Sep 2008) - 9:30pm
> Thursday (4th Sep 2008) -  12:30pm (repeat)
> Friday (5th Sep 2008) - 4:30pm (repeat)

(Written by Josef, hubby of Molly)

Today is Molly’s birthday. She would have been 33yrs old today.

And it was most coincidental that Molly’s plaque and photo for her niche is finally ready and installed on this same day. Her newly furnished niche is the best birthday gift that we can give her for this year. Even the contractor who helped with the installation commented that Molly’s plaque design is really unique due to the unusually large photo.

Molly is a typical Virgo. Everything needs to be perfect for her. I’m glad that after the many rounds of to-and-fro with the design, and having sent the photo to Italy for a better finishing, we are able to get the niche done up almost perfectly.

The entire installation process was documented by Molly’s sis. Look at all the cards and flowers surrounding Molly’s niche.

This is the mini birthday cake I bought for Molly. A small Coeur Noir from Bakerzin, a heart-shaped cake with layers of dark chocolate mousse and sacher sponge, and filled with brandy cherries and hazelnut dacquoise at the base. Molly loved dark chocolate and the best thing was that the small version of the Couer Noir came with 2 tiny white roses made of white chocolate that matches beautifully with the real white roses that flanked Molly’s niche. We managed to balance the cake on the newly installed ledge and took some photos of it.

A new pot of fresh red roses from Molly’s mum and sis, and also a hand-made card from Molly’s sis. The picture of the rabbit is because Molly loved rabbits and was born in the year of the rabbit:) 

Happy Birthday, dear. Hope you enjoyed your birthday, and all the presents that we got for you:)

(Written by Josef, hubby of Molly)

Vanilla Magazine has just turned one. And their latest issue gathered all 12 girls who had graced the covers for the past one year.

Except for Molly (and another girl who probably can’t make it for the shoot), the other 10 Vanilla girls all turned up. From the beautifully shot photos, I believed they must have had a great time at the shoot.

We were first informed of this ambitious shoot sometime in late April, by Vanilla Mag’s assistant editor Pam via email. The email was addressed to all the cover girls and briefly summed up the magazine’s intention to have a photoshoot with all 12 girls in it, as a lookback on the girls who had made the covers of Vanilla for the past year. It will also be a chance for the readers to be updated on how each of the Vanilla girls are doing.

During the time when we received the email, Molly was already feeling tired most of the day due to the water retention and was in bed almost all the time. I have been helping her to clear her mailbox, and that’s where I saw the email from Pam.

Initially, I was hesitant to tell Molly about the shoot. Firstly, she was already not feeling so well. Besides that, the chemo has already taken full effect by then so she had lost most of her hair. Being ever so concerned about her appearance, I believe Molly will not be desiring any photoshoots, especially at a time when she is not looking her very best. 

Few days later, during a brief period when Molly was feeling better, I took the chance to casually mention about the email and the photoshoot. To my surprise, Molly got quite excited when she heard of the news. She then started making plans and said she wanted to get well soon so she can attend the shoot.

That’s when I told her that I was initially deliberating on whether to tell her the news as I thought she will not want to be bothered by yet another photoshoot when she is already feeling so weak. Molly then happily replied, “Of course I will love to go for the photoshoot! Can take nice photos again mah.”

And that is why Molly always claimed that she’s a bimbo. For her, nothing is more important than looking pretty:)

PS: Sorry for the lack of updates. I have been very tied up with work recently. Anyway, Fleur has brought up some good suggestions on how we can keep the site more regularly updated through articles contribution from some of you. I am also looking at a possible site revamp at a later stage to include an online forum for general discussion. But until that happens, I will appreciate if anyone of you has ideas on how we can improve on the updating of this site. Feel free to send me your comments.

(Written by Josef, hubby of Molly)

A couple of weeks ago, Molly received her first letter from Earth.

Somehow, a little girl was smart enough to address the letter to “Heaven, Molly’s House”. I believe Molly must be thrilled to get the letter. All the more since it was from Yee Hwee, her youngest cousin and also her “most favourite person in the world”. 

Here’s what Yee Hwee wrote in her letter:

Dear Huili jie jie (sis),

How are you doing in Heaven? I missed you so much!
Does your house in Heaven looks like this drawing?
Have fun! Will remember you forever.

Yee Hwee 

Along with her letter was also a drawing of Molly and her house in Heaven. Check out the photos below. You can see Molly standing at the balcony on top of her mansion, with her little wings and a shining halo on top of her head. The mansion even comes complete with a garden with rabbits and carrots:)

(Written by Josef, hubby of Molly)

Dear all,

Molly’s cancer story will out on this week’s edition of The Sunday Times. Sorry to all those who rushed out to buy a copy of The Sunday Times last week. I’ve checked with the reporter and she explained that the story was held back due to space constraints.

From what I understand, the article will be about young female cancer-fighters who blog. Other Wonder Women to be featured alongside Molly are Shin, Pacey and Fleur:) 

So do watch out for it.

Already checked with the reporter and she explained that the story was held back again to make way for other more urgent stories. Anyway, the good news is that Fleur only managed to see the reporter’s email for an interview yesterday. So since the article is delayed, we should get to see Fleur’s story being included too.

Anyway, the reporter will keep me updated again. She will only know for sure on Saturday whether the story will make it or be held back again.

(Written by Josef, hubby of Molly) 

Thanks to Fayth who first suggested having a WeAreWonderWomen banner, and also Fleur who reminded me about it. I finally got down to doing it and now, we have 5 new banners available for linking to this site:)

Go to this page and follow the instructions to use the banners. Let me know if anyone of you have prob with it. And also feedback to me if you feel we need more versions other than these.

Choose any of the banners that you like, or the one that best describes you (eg. Banner 3 for cancer-fighting WonderWomen, and Banner 4 for caregivers, family, loved ones and friends, Banner 1,2,5 are for general use).

Banner 1 - Official Logo (small)

Banner 2 - Official Logo (big)

Banner 3 - “I Am A Wonder Woman”

Banner 4 - “I Support The Wonder Women”

Banner 5 - “I Love Wonder Women”

(Written by Josef, hubby of Molly)

I have been checking out the newstands and bookstores everyday for the arrival of this month’s issue of Vanilla. And I finally got a copy of it yesterday. Big thanks to Pam once again for the lovely writeup. With just a few paragraphs, she has managed to fully capture the person that Molly was, and exactly the way that we will like to remember her.

     “But for all of us who knew Molly, and for the many young women she
     encouraged  through her online support group, WeAreWonderWomen.com,
     her infectious giggle, her optimism, her legacy will continue to live on in our
     hearts. Molly never spoke - or lived life - as if her days were numbered. She had
     a wonderful sense of humour, a child-like sense of wonder, a zest of life,
     and a big heart.”

But what really touched me was the ‘Editor’s Note’ from Theresa, who wrote that “Molly knew what true happiness was - to have the opportunity to help others, with whatever little she have”. Theresa couldn’t have been more right.

*** The Sunday Times will be running an article about Molly and WeAreWonderWomen.com this sunday. At the same time, they are also featuring a couple of other cancer-fighting WonderWomen who blog! So do grab a copy of it:)
The article’s not out today, so I guess it’s delayed. Will keep everyone informed again on when it will be out.

(Written by Josef, hubby of Molly)

I was checking out some of the websites that are linking to WeAreWonderWomen.com last night until I chanced upon this entry by a young man named Yee Meng.

I couldn’t help but laugh after reading it. It’s really funny.

Ok here’s the gist of the entry. Yee Meng is assigned to shoot a video based on the theme “Singapore’s Hero”, to be submitted for a National Day Student’s Video Competition. And he is making Molly the hero of his video.

He is blogging about it to announce it to his friends and at the same time doing an “open casting” for volunteers to act in his video. Apparently, he is planning to shoot a mock re-enactment of young women in similar condition “who are encouraged and motivated by Molly to be strong”.

Well, I did a check on the said competition and this is what I found out:

“The theme for the 2008 competition is “Celebrating Singapore’s Heroes”.
Who are these heroes? They can be war heroes or people who have created in-roads or contributed significantly in specialised fields like medicine, science, education and the arts. They can also be ordinary Singaporeans who have done extraordinary things which not many people might know about. What makes a hero? Who are Singapore’s heroes? Among them, who are your heroes? Share it with us!”

The deadline is one week away so I’m not sure if Yee Meng can get his video done up in time. I hope he does. And I thank him for regarding Molly as a hero. But it will be so funny to see a video of Molly as a Singapore Hero, up against other possible videos of real heroes like War Heroine Elizabeth Choy, or MM Lee, the man who led Singapore to Independence.

I believe Molly will find this hilarious too:)

(Written by Josef, hubby of Molly)
 

Today, I was going through Molly’s handphone to see if I can backup some of her old contacts and photos that she took using the phone. It was then that I suddenly remembered that few weeks ago, Molly had tried using the voice recording function in her phone to record a “blog entry” that she had always wanted to write about. She kept saying that once she gets better, this will be the first thing that she will blog about. It is about her brief encounter with one of her silent supporter, a doctor also by the name of “Molly”.

As I held the phone close to my ear and listened to the voice recordings, tears automatically streamed down my face. Molly’s voice was so close and so clear, that it felt almost like she was speaking to me through the phone. Thank God for technology.

It was a pity that we do not have the habit of doing video recordings. Even though we already had a bunch of photos of Molly, but it will make a real difference to be able to see her move and hear her speak through video footages. I urge everyone to go get a video cam or use your handphone to shoot footages of your loved ones. These captured images will serve as beautiful memories for years to come.

I’ve extracted the content of the voice recordings and created this video for everyone to enjoy Molly’s official last “blog entry”. Like me, I believe many of you will be missing her writings.
 

*This happened during Molly’s 2nd last chemo session at KK Hospital. Coincidentally, that was the same day when she went for the photo shoot for Vanilla Magazine. According to Molly, this “secret admirer” of her was also named Molly and she is a doctor - Dr Molly Yong. Dr Molly frequently visited this site and specially went down to GCC at KKH to try her luck in meeting Molly. During her 2nd try, Molly finally got to meet Molly.

(Written by Josef, hubby of Molly)

Vanilla Magazine is doing a tribute for Molly in their upcoming July issue. Yesterday, the assistant editor from Vanilla, Pam (the same person who did the interview with Molly in the April issue) requested for some photos from me and asked if I like to write a short love letter to Molly to be included in the tribute.

This is the “love letter” that I wrote:

Dear,

I have never told you how proud I am to be your husband. Thank you for agreeing to marry me and allowing me to accompany you through your cancer journey. Even though we were married for just one year, but the happy memories are enough to last me a lifetime.

Till the very last moment, you never give up and still strongly believe that you will get well. And for that, you will forever be remembered for your smile, your undying faith in God and your amazing fighting spirit. WeAreWonderWomen.Com is your gift to all women in similar situation. Because of you, no young woman will ever need to face this dreadful illness alone. Continuing your work on this website is my way of remembering you. You may not have won the battle against cancer, but you have definitely not lost the fight. Your fighting spirit will live on through all your Wonder Women.

From your loving hubby

josef

                 Thanks to my colleague Craven for drawing this for us.

Do get a copy of the upcoming issue of Vanilla. Thank you so much, Pam and Theresa for doing this! I have no idea what you will be doing for the tribute but I believe it will look great. And Molly will be so happy to see herself in Vanilla Mag again:)

Hair for Hope 2008 is back for the 5th time running. On 6 July 2008 (Sunday), this symbolic hair-shaving event will be held once again at Velocity@Novena Square.

You can also make a donation here, or send your well-wishes to the volunteer shavees.

For those of us who cannot bear to part with our hair, the least we can do for these kids is to part with our money.

[ About Hair For Hope ]

Hair for Hope is an event, which invites members of the public to shave their heads to show their support for children with cancer. Through this symbolic gesture, the organiser aims to:

1. Create awareness of childhood cancer in Singapore.
2. Tell every child with cancer and their families that they are not alone in the fight against cancer and that there is nothing wrong about losing hair or being bald.
3. Raise funds to help children with cancer and their families.
4. Build a community of support for children with cancer.

Why Shave Heads?

Patients’ hair loss, from treatments of cancer such as chemotherapy, is a representation of his or her courageous fight against cancer. Through the symbolic gesture of shaving our heads, the organiser hope to lend moral support to all children with cancer, and to let them know that there is nothing wrong with being bald.

(Thanks Fayth, for informing me to post this to raise awareness)

We’ve got many requests for Molly’s resting place, so here’s the address:

The Garden of Remembrance Christian Columbarium 怀念园
920 Old Choa Chu Kang Road,
Singapore 699815
West Wing, Level 4, Row: ‘Faith’ - X03, 075
Opened for visitation from 8:00am - 5:30pm daily

The above design was specially requested by us to have Molly’s photo as big as possible, just the way she liked it. The actual plaque and photo will only be done in about 2 months’ time. Once it’s out, Molly’s niche will have the biggest photo in the entire Garden of Remembrance:)

[ About The Garden of Remembrance ]

The Garden of Remembrance Columbarium is sited at the beautiful cemetery grounds of Chua Chu Kang. The columbarium was initiated by the Methodist Church of Singapore due to extensive exhumation of cemetery grounds in land-scarce Singapore, to provide space for 40,000 niches with flexibility for maximum expansion up to 70,000.

Conceived in the shape of two hands about to clasp in prayers; 2 stone-clad curve walls provide the directional spine for the 2 wings of the building. The interior of the 600mm thick rubble walls are randomly planted with hardy ferns giving rise to a “green living wall’’ concept. Entry into the building is via the central gap between the 2 walls, welcomed by a water courtyard accompanied by the sound of a gentle cascading waterfall. The main chapel for funeral mass floats above the water-court with ample view towards the solitary existing tree within the water-court.

Light is a main design and organising element in The Garden of Remembrance. The entire building is naturally ventilated apart from the main chapel, funeral parlours and offices. Finger-like bespoke niche-walls extend radially within every bay separated by white rendered fin-walls which ‘slice’ through the main curve stone spine wall at every 12m to break the scale into rhythmic proportions. The stone wall peels away from each main corridor as a series of glass skylight wash the interiors of each of the levels with an abundance of natural light. Seemingly random ‘picture-frame’ apertures puncture the thick stone wall, framing the natural scenery in the distance as one traverses though the building in an almost ritualistic progression.

The storey heights of the bays vary to break the scale and to accommodate sky-gardens and terraces for the quiet escape of the individual or families who are in grief. Timber slatted screens serve to provide the privacy of these ‘quiet spaces’; whilst adding to the rich palette of natural materials.

(Written by Josef, hubby of Molly)

When Jesus was born, he was visited by three wise men who brought gifts to welcome the birth of Christ. Similarly, during the four days of wake, Molly was visited by three “wise men”, who made me felt the presence of God and finally saw the magnitude of Molly’s work and how much she has touched and inspired the people around her.

[ The mad man sent by Jesus ]

On Saturday morning, the 3rd day of the wake, we had a surprise visitor. A cab drove up to the passenger dropping bay at our block and an old man got out of the cab. A plump man in his fifties, he was big in built and walked with a limp. At that moment, only me, my younger brother and Molly’s father was around. The old man walked straight into the tent and towards the centre where the coffin was placed.

We immediately stopped him and questioned him on what he wanted. He pointed towards the coffin and shouted in Chinese, “Li Huili (Molly’s chinese name) correct?!” “Died of sickness, correct?!”

We continued asking him where and how he knew Molly. For every question, we had to repeat ourselves many times before we got a vague answer from him. Eg. we asked him where he knew Molly and he said he knew her from work. But of course, he did not give any details even as we asked further.

The mad old man kept walking towards Molly’s photo and said he wanted to see her. At that point, I was already furious and thought this guy must have seen the news report from the Chinese tabloid - “Xing Min Ri Bao” on Friday and he was there just to satisfy his curiosity. We didn’t want to create a scene so we allowed him to go forward to pay his respects, hoping that he will leave soon after.

As he went towards the coffin, I stood by the side, all prepared should he start doing anything funny. The mad man then pointed at me and asked, “Are you her brother?!”, to which I replied “No, I’m her husband”. Mad man continued, “How old is she?!”, and I said “32”. He went on and asked, “Does she have kids?!” By now, Molly’s dad was also pissed off and he retorted in Hokkien, “Don’t ask so much!”

It was at this point that the mad man shouted,
“Jesus told me to come and see her!”

Upon hearing that, all of us went quiet. Suddenly, I no longer felt angry and instead, I seemed to feel sadness from within the mad man’s eyes. He just stood beside the coffin, with his hands on it, and kept looking at Molly.

When he was done, we offered him a drink and he sat at a seat somewhere in the middle. As he gulped down the drink hastily, his eyes were still constantly locked on Molly’s photo. He continued sitting there for a while, and his eyes never once looked away. Soon after, he stood up and slowly walked off.

[ The Poet ] 

That same night, we were visited by a poet.

Around 11+ at night, two guys suddenly walked into the tent and straight towards Molly’s photo in the centre. Both guys are young, around my age I supposed. The guy leading the way has long dyed hair and was dressed in a hip-hop fashion, while another was bespected and followed behind. I have never seen them before. Molly and I share everything so most of her friends, even though I have never met them in person, I will have at least seen their photos or heard of their names.

I went up to them and asked how they were acquainted with Molly. The long-haired guy answered, “We are her internet friends.” At that moment, what came to my mind first was, “Hmm.. so has Molly been chatting up with strange guys over MSN or Facebook?”

Upon further probing, the guy revealed that he is a reader of Molly’s blog, while the other guy is his friend. They specially came down to pay their last respects. He also introduced himself as “Kurt”.

Molly and I often talked about the various readers who wrote in to comment or personally emailed Molly. As such, I am very familiar with all the wonderwomen and caregivers who constantly supported and frequented the website. “Kurt” was not someone that I have came across before.

I asked Kurt if he had ever left messages on the blog. He revealed that he had, but it’s under the pseudonym - ‘apoet’. Oh.. so it’s him.

apoet is a reader that only started coming into the blog recently. I think only for the past few months, when Molly was already using lesser of the computer. He frequently leave behind short comments. What was most coincidental was that just the night before I met him, I was searching through the net on any other reports about Molly before I chanced by apoet’s blog, where he has written a poetry dedicated to Molly, titled - “There was a sad day at Punggol Field“.

Kurt and his friend hung around for a while more, and mainly just stood there and read through some of the news cuttings and magazine articles before they took their leave.

Two days after the wake, apoet wrote another poetry for Molly - “…what I saw at Punggol Field…”

[ The man who saw Heaven ] 

The last wise man (or in actual fact, the first) is a friend of mine called Edwin.

Edwin is a very pious Christian and we used to hang out together during our poly days. He came on Friday night, together with a big bunch of my poly classmates.

After the wake service, Edwin pulled me to one side and said he has something to tell me.
I initially thought that he wanted to console me or something until he said, “During the service, I was praying and suddenly I saw a vision. So I just wanted to tell you what I saw.”

Edwin continued, “You know in the bible it says that Jesus goes before us to prepare a room for us in Heaven. During the service, I was praying and suddenly I saw a vision. I saw this door, with your wife’s name “Molly” on it. When I looked up, I saw that it’s a mansion! Not only a room, but a mansion. So don’t worry, she is enjoying herself and in the good hands of God.”

Few days later, Edwin emailed me again with this message:

Hi Josef,

The following verse was what I was mentioning to you last week of what I saw during the service while praying. Molly now has a mansion filled with all kinds of luxury furniture and different levels in heaven under her name written at the front door because she is a child of the most high God:) Take heart.

Shalom,

Edwin

“In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. - John 14:2 (New King James Version)”

What Edwin told me has really touched my heart. And the funny thing was that Molly used to tell me that she is not afraid to die because once she goes to heaven, she will be able to live in a big mansion. And everyday, she will sit in her garden, enjoying her afternoon tea and looking at her rabbits hopping around.

I used to laugh when she said that and questioned her how will she know for sure that is what Heaven will be like. Molly never answered me because she was already lost in her happy thoughts about her mansion and rabbits.

Few days ago, I was reading through Fleur’s blog and realised that she and Molly has also been talking about their mansions in Heaven. They had made a promise to each other that whoever meets God first will reserve a really nice mansion for the other. Yes, I believe Molly is already busy house-hunting up there in Heaven, and reserving all the biggest and nicest mansions for her loved ones and friends.

I know that Molly is having a great time in Heaven. Like what Fleur said, she can finally enjoy all the popcorn chicken that she like.

Through the three “wise men” that God sent us, I have been enlightened.

From the mad man and Edwin, I was assured of God’s presence and that He had been using Molly to do his work. Right now, Molly is enjoying her rewards in Heaven.

Through apoet, I came to the realisation that Molly’s writings have touched more than just her fellow wonderwomen. Here is a young man who is obviously healthy and I believe he is not a caregiver either. However, he was still touched and inspired enough to write two poetry in memory of Molly.

Molly has not wasted her cancer. She has not live her life in vain. She shall not die in vain too.

I hope that she can be remembered for putting up a brave fight, all the way till the end. Molly did not win her war against cancer, but she definitely did not lose her fight.

I am currently in talk with various parties to work out a series of plans to continue the work that Molly has set out to do. Her passing on seemed to have given the people around her a boost of strength. Everyone I spoke to was very eager to help in any possible way to support the WonderWomen cause.

Do continue to support WeAreWonderWomen.Com and check back for new updates. Molly’s fighting spirit shall live on through this site.

“You are always with me - you’re always there.
In my dreams - though I am wide awake.”

Dear, you may have left us, but your fighting spirit will live on through this website, and through all your wonderwomen.

Missed you dearly.

- From your ah lau, family, friends, and fellow wonderwomen

(Written by Josef, hubby of Molly)

Dear fellow wonderwomen, caregivers, supporters and friends,

Molly has left us this morning, on 29 May 2008 at 12:31am.

After 2 years and 5 mths of intense battle, she was finally delivered from her suffering and called home to the Lord. Her demise was peaceful and calm.

Please pay her your last respects at:
Punggol Field
Blk 203 (Multipurpose Hall)
From 29 May 2008 (Thu) to 01 Jun 2008 (Sun)
Wake service is on 2 nights: 30 May 2008 (Fri) & 31 May 2008 (Sat) at 8pm - 9pm

Cremation is on 01 Jun 2008 (Sun), at Mandai Cremation and Columbarium. A short funeral service will commence at 4pm and the casket will move out by 4:15pm.
 

From the very beginning I knew that my time is not up yet, even though I am in a critical condition dealing with cancer.

When I prayed, God never revealed to me that he was going to bring me home. I prayed to God whenever I had pain. My prayers were usually short like, “God, please heal me.” “God, have mercy on me. Please take away my pain.” “God, I humble myself now to ask for healing.”

Miraculously, whenever I said those prayers, God will always take away my pain. God sent angels (my sister and mum to take care of my daily needs) and a good TCM physician to treat me. God has also taught me to live each day by itself and learn to trust him in all situations.

My name is Molly. I am a Christian of 12 years. This is my testimony.

Hey everyone, thank you all for the encouragement in my blog. Just to let everyone know that I have never chosen to give up my life and my fight against cancer. Did my previous entry sound as if I have given up??? Hmmm…

For your information, I am still fighting against this terrible sickness. I am fighting it confidently because God is my pillar of strength and HE reveals his plan to me everyday and I know he will stay with me throughout this difficult period. He will lead me out. =)

I went for a routine consultation with my doctor today after finishing cycle 2C of Doxetaxel and also to find out the CT scan result done last week to moniter the status of tumours in my body.

As qouted from my doctor, “You are now in a critical stage.” It is because Docetaxel (the 3rd chemo drug that I am already trying) is still unable to kill the cancerous tumours in my body, (especially tumours found in my liver), nor can it control the rapid growth of my cancer cells. The initial primary tumour of 3 cm growing on my liver has now increased to 6.7 cm. More tumours are also found on my liver as well. The tumour found near my bladder has also grown from the initial 5.3 cm to 10.5 cm now. Hmm… oh my… so I finally know now that my cancer is the most aggressive among the 3 of us (me, my gyn-onco, and my cancer). Hehehe..

I’ll be admitted to the hospital tomorrow for fluid drainage, using ultrasound to guide the scanning at my abdomen and pelvic area. It will be a slow drainage, over a few days, to ensure that all the fluid are drained out. However, there is no guarantee that the water retention is not going to return. What they can only promise is a few more days of relief for my body.

And I finally found out today that the medical term for the fluid retention is called “Ascites”. Ascites is defined as the excess fluid in the space between the tissues lining the abdomen and abdominal organs (the peritoneal cavity), and is typically caused by liver disease. Other disorders associated with ascites include Hepatitis, Liver cancer, and of course, Ovarian cancer.

It is getting more and more difficult for me to pray for myself everyday, because the fluid retention is making me so drowsy and tired. Sometimes, the only words in my prayers are, “God, where are you?” Well, at least I know that when I draw near to him, he will draw near to me.

My doctor has planned for new drugs to be administered after my hospital recharge. But first of all, I need to feel physically strong (water retention caused so much fatigue that sometimes, I found myself talking without sense) before I can embark on the next journey of my fight.

Don’t worry, I am not willing to give up yet and I just said to Jesus that I am not ready to meet him in heaven yet. You may call me a bimbo, but there are still lots of things that I want to do. Like shopping, eating, touring the world, spending more time with my loved ones and meeting inspiring WonderWomen. I will continue fighting until the day that You want to take me back home. However, I think I will still resent You for bringing me home so soon. Hahaha!

There are so many emails that I need to clear from all the supporters, and my WonderWomen who kept writing in. Oh yes… winning The Singapore Woman Award has led lots of new WonderWomen to discover this site. I wish I can get to know each and everyone of you better so that we can further encourage each other. Hopefully, I will feel much better after the drainage and continue fighting this sickness. =)

p.s. I am quite sure I will be weak and in bed most of the time for the next few weeks. Even now, I am constantly feeling feverish from time to time. But not to worry, my ah lau will be helping to post updates on my behalf. And if possible, he will also help me reply the emails.

Sorry to everyone for the lack of updates because I have been feeling great discomfort over the fluid retention in my abdomen area. Thank you all for your concerns and encouragement through the emails, comments in my blog and messages I received in my Cbox. I will try to reply to all of you as soon as possible. Thank you for your patience. =)

My last fluid drainage was on last Friday and I managed to drain out 1.3 litres of fluid from my abdomen. Moo! Haha! It’s always a great relief after the drainage because I will have lesser burden on my abdomen area and be relieved of pain in my back.

After each session of fluid drainage, the only thing on my mind is to dash off and gobble on my favourite food because the release of the fluid will bring back some appetite for me. Well, I will feel comfortable for at least a day or two, and can move around or sit down without having pain on my abdomen or back. Thereafter, the fluid will begin to accumulate and my misery will start all over again.

The process of the fluid drainage can be quite painful and I usually screamed during the procedure although local anaesthesia will be given but I tried not to scream too loud because I didn’t want to embarass myself in front of my gyn-oco and the patient in the opposite bed. Hehehe. I remembered once when the pain got quite severe and I actually found myself tearing the pillow. Goodness me! I actually tored something out from the pillow. Hmmm… not sure what it was?! Definitely some fabric… heehee!

Last Tuesday, as I was lying on the hospital bed doing the drainage, one of my nurse-oco was chit chatting with me and suddenly she raised the topic about “death” and she asked if I am ready to face it. Oh my GOD! When I heard that, I actually found myself getting very emotional. I told the nurse that, “No, I don’t think I’m ready to go because I couldn’t bear to leave my loved ones, especially my hubby because we are each other’s best friend. If I go, he will be very lonely.”

I suddenly realised then that I was crying. Well, I thought I have already overcome death and mentally, I was already prepared for that day to come. However, my conversation with my nurse made me realised that I still have the struggles which is why it was so painful for me emotionally.

My nurse-oco then went on to share that it is also her responsiblity to speak to all the caregivers of cancer patients about dealing with death, and she hoped to speak to my hubby. Oh my… when I heard that, I quickly questioned her, “Am I going to die? Am I already in a critical stage? Is there anything that I do not know yet?” She immediately calmed me down and told me, “No la, it’s part of my nursing course… We were taught to talk to patients about facing death. I need to practice mah.” Nevertheless, she still left me feeling paranoid. Hehehe.

The conversation made me realised that I am still not ready to meet God yet. Well, the most ironical thing was that I have been praying for God to bring me home because I was enduring so much pain and sufferings for the past few weeks. I thought I was ready to go anytime. However, when I told my hubby and Fleur about the conversation with the nurse, I was trembling with fear. My hands were shaking when I shared this with them because I had so much fear within.

Well, it is not as if I am having a jolly good time on earth right now and I hope to spend more years enjoying my life here. But neither am I strong nor courageous enough to face death. The physical pain and mental trauma that a cancer patient need to face at his/her deathbed is hard for anyone to imagine. Can I really go through all that? Having said that, death also brings about the end of all sufferings and is itself a great relief.

Hmm… it is such a dilema right? How many of us are ever so ready to die anytime?

Lately, I have been feeling great discomfort in my tummy. The pain became greater when I tried to sit up as that will result in tightness and more pain on both sides of my tummy. My back will ache terribly too. This explained why I have not been blogging frequently because I spent most of my time lying in bed. I could hardly enjoy a proper meal and I lost my appetite. I ate very little and yet I put on weight.

Two months ago, I highlighted this to my gyn-oco. His explanation for my bloatedness was the medication that I am having (Docetaxel) and the pain could be due to the tumors pressing on my nerves.

Yesterday, as I was having my chemo infusion, I complained about my tummy discomfort to my nurses again and showed them my hard and bloated tummy. They speculated that it could be fluid retention and I may need to drain out the fluid, otherwise it will strain my kidneys over time.

I was then scheduled for an immediately appointment to see my gyn-oco. While lying on the bed, one of the nurses commented that I looked like a 5 month old pregnant woman. Well, I think she was too kind with her words. I guessed I looked more like a toad lying on bed. Croak!

I waited happily and quietly for my gyn-oco who was still having his usual clinic consultation for I knew my misery will soon end after the fluid drainage.

Finally, my gyn-oco came. He tried to make me relaxed by saying, “Wah Molly, you are now famous, your faces are everywhere when I went Vivocity…” I replied with just a short laughter and I was only thinking, “quickly do la… drain out the fluid.. ai si liao” (’going to die soon’ in Hokkien) Hahaha!

Well, of course I know my gentle gyn-oco was trying to make me feel relaxed because I looked tensed up and I was grateful to him for taking his precious time to personally do the drainage when he was already so loaded with work.

To make sure if I was really having fluid retention, my gyn-oco first inserted a syringe through my right tummy to try and drain out some fluid. Yes indeed, there was fluid! I was then given some anaesthesia to numb the pain as he had to insert a long tube with a drainage bag to drain out the fluid.

Once it started, oh my GOD, I could see my tummy shrinking immediately! It was instantaneous and magical! Hehehe!

My gyn-oco explained that the fluid retention could be due to my lack of proteins as my livers are currently affected. He then advised me to eat more egg white, at least four everyday to build up the proteins for my liver. Hmm… sounds as if I’m a body-builder who takes many egg white regularly for source of protein. Hahaha!

Guess what’s the first thing I did the minute I reached home? It was to weigh myself! I lost 2 kg! Haha! It was indeed a good “liposuction” session. Hahaha!

Thank GOD for his mercy because the fluid retention was causing great distress for me all this while. I was crying for the Lord on Monday and yesterday he answered to my prayers. He is indeed merciful. And many thanks to the nurses and my gyn-oco. They are indeed GOD-sent angels for my cancer journey.

Did cancer change you? For example, your personality or your perspectives in life?

When I was first diagnosed, I must say, it did not change me very much. I think from 2001 (since my first diagnosis) and up to my 2nd relapse, I was in denial, I was then determined to live life the way I had always lived before my first diagnosis, which was very unhealthy. However, I must say, the 2nd relapse was a good wake up call.

The 6 months of Chemotherapy, and because of the bone aching side effects during those chemo, I was forced to stay at home, in bed, unable to move for at least 2 days, I was able to slow down my thoughts and think things through. Also, during the 2nd relapse when I realised how serious my condition was and that I may have had only 18 months to live, I was frightened.

I started to realise how I have wasted precious years focusing on the negative side of my life, instead of focusing on the good things in my life. I realised that for years I have neglected my family who gave me 110% support. I realised I have not made enough effort to keep up with my dearest friends, and I have procrastinated on doing so many things. I had this acute fear that I would lay on my dying bed wondering why I did not do this, or that, or never telling my family that I loved them.

I realised I have spent so many years wallowing in self pity over my marriage, and when I reflect back on my life, I could remember only a lot of depression, a lot of sad memories. Basically I realised my life had been very empty… I knew then that life is way toooo short to focus on what had already happened, and I have wasted too much time lamenting, when actually I could have just accepted what has happened and instead focus my energy on how I could make the best out of the situation!!! It was amazing!

I realised that one can actually be happy, if they really want to be happy… In the past, I always searched for happiness, when actually, happiness had always been with me. It is just that I never made the effort to acknowledge it. I had God, I had a great family. So what if I did not have a very supportive husband, but I do have great friends! I had a good job, with good bosses. I have debts but I am not reduced to a point that I have to beg for help. I realised and learnt to focus on the positive side of my life. Even when I have a setback now, I will try to focus on what can I learn from that experience. Was it something I could control? If so, I will not fret over it anymore. If not, I had better remember not to let it happen again.

With the 2nd relapse last year, I learnt to identify my stress catalyst, and I learn also to love myself a little more. I used to hate myself, for who I am, for my looks, for my everything. I used to believe that it was because I am a Jinx, hence I deserved to be in the situation I was in (thanks to ex hubby). But I began to also see the effect that when I am more focused on positiveness, I became more pleasant to be with. I no longer start a conversation with complaints =) and hence I think, I have become lighter.

So, in a way, cancer has changed me to be a better person. Though I must admit there are still times when I feel bitter and upset, especially when something from the past haunts me, but now, I know I will bounce back and move on… Last but not least, I found God again. That alone is AMAZING!

I noticed that you complement Traditional Chinese Medicine with your western treatments, will you share with us how TCM has benefited you? 

Yes, I started complementing TCM with my western treatments since my last set of Chemo in 2006. The first TCM doctor that I saw only gave me Chinese herbs that helped to give me strength, and nothing cancer specific. It definitely helped me during my chemo. I was able to recover much faster in terms of strength. This is of course in comparison to my chemo treatments in 2001.

However, I must say, when I changed to my current TCM doctor this time round, my blood count is amazing. Despite the intensive treatment that I have, (8 day cycle) my blood count has never gone below 11 points. Hence, my immunity has been quite strong. I have also tolerated this round of chemo very well, only experiencing extreme lethargy during my first two days of chemo, and I am usually up and moving about by the 3rd day.

My response to the current Western chemo has also been very positive. According to my TCM doctor who specialises in Oncology TCM medicine, he not only gives me the herbs that also helps to diminish the cancer tumours but also some which helps to regenerate my blood and of course overall well being.

It is because of budget constraint that I currently do not take some of the other more expensive TCM herbs that can help my body further. But I have no complaints for my current chemo is a complete breeze.

I can also see alot of difference in my body tolerance for even simple things like the chemical dye that was injected into me when I do my CT Scans. My reaction to the dye now is much more bearable, and I no longer experience extreme reactions like extreme cold or heat after my scan.

I never was a TCM believer, I must say. Even whilst I was seeing my first TCM doctor, I was still sceptical, but went along with it purely because of my mother, and because the herbs that were prescribed to me were general herbs which we are familiar with. eg. Ginseng, Pianzhi Wang, Dang Gui etc.

But now this time round, I can feel the absolute difference.

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Have you tried visualisation or any other holistic approach in dealing with your cancer?
 

No, I guessed in a way I have always been more of a medicine kinda person. I am not so adventurous when it comes to things like health …. Basically, I always believe there should be a balance in everything. I think whichever approach is fine, most important is that, a person should not feel that she has to bend herself so much to try a particular approach that she is not even happy or enjoying herself doing it.

I may be wrong to have such a concept, but I know myself very well. If I have to do something that I am not comfortable with, then I will not stick to it for long. And if I cannot be discipline about it, i will not achieve the results that others have achieved and in the end, I will be upset. Hence, in order to avoid that, I stick to what I think I am most comfortable with, something that I know I am able to handle, and I can stick to without feeling forced. It is most important to achieve balance in one’s life.

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You continue working when you have cancer and while undergoing treatments. Well, I think it is really amazing! How did you manage that? Will you share with us about your working relationship with your employer?

Firstly, I have to thank God that I have amazing bosses who are definitely very supportive and understanding. Their compassion is amazing. Also for my second relapse, I was really lucky to have joined another department with a boss who is not only my boss, but a very good and caring friend.

Secondly, I love my job. Since day 1 when I joined the company, I have loved my job. It gives me great satisfaction! I guess it was more of the office politics that affected and stressed me than the job itself.

Thirdly, I refused to look at myself as a handicap. I try my best to perform, and I work harder than I would normally do just so that I do not put my boss or boss’s boss in a spot. I try my best to minimise their burden of having to wonder why they should retain me.

Last but not least, I have many supportive colleagues as well. It allows me to feel that life goes on. With a job to focus on, I am sometimes able to really forget that my life has been crippled by the monsters, although there are opportunities that I have lost due to my condition, but I am always thankful that I still have my job. Maybe it is because I am thankful for everything, hence, it spurs me on to be well.

< to be continued...>

Fleur is a Wonder Woman currently receiving treatments for a liver and backbone metastasis from her breast cancer. She was first diagnosed with breast cancer five years ago and was in remission for all these years. In August 06, scans revealed multiple spots in her liver and the biggest tumour was 5.7cm. She started her chemotherapy in September 07, and subsequently, she found 2 spots in her backbone as well in August 07. She is currently undergoing chemotherapy at the National Cancer Center.

I first chanced upon Fleur through her blog, and soon became a fan of her writings. I personally admire Fleur greatly for her optimism and bravery in dealing with her cancer. She continues to live her life to the fullest by leading a normal life like anyone else, in spite of her cancer. What I admire most about Fleur is her capability and determination to continue working while she is still undergoing regular chemotherapy.

As this is quite a long interview, I have separated the interview into 3 parts.

Below is the interview (part 1) I had with Fleur:

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Hi Fleur, thanks for agreeing to the interview:) So, how did you discover about your breast cancer? And what was your feelings when you were first diagnosed?

I discovered it during one of my self checks. Furthermore I had sharp stabbing pains from time to time. However, the lump was still quite tiny and I thought it was just one of the many fibroids that I was prone to have. However, within 6 months it grew so much, and the pain got more frequent that I actually got frightened.

When the diagnosis result came out, my surgeon broke the news to me. I cried alittle, as my ROM was a month away. I was frightened and definitely angry, as this has messed up alot of my plans for the next couple of months. I was also feeling quite lost, as I did not know what to expect next. There were so many questions running through my head; How will my life be changed etc? I always heard many fearful things about chemotherapy, hence it was quite frightening too when I found out that I had to go through chemotherapy.

In order to curb my fears of the unknown days ahead, I switched on my auto look forward mode, which is how I handle any projects. What are the next steps? What are my next action plans? What are the dates? How many days I will be out? When will I be able to go back to work etc? How do I tell my parents? Will my parents be ok? Will my boss accept my situation? Will I lose my job?

So many questions within that short frame of time..in a way, it was good, for I guess that stopped me from feeling sorry about myself. I was way tooo busy wondering and thinking about the arrangements that I have to make to feel devastated. So in a way, I was lucky.

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You are so positive Fleur!
Can you share with us the operations and treatments you went through?

In 2001, end of October - I had a lumpectomy done on my right breast. All the lymph nodes in my right arm were taken out although they were all clear. I also had a keyhole surgery done on my left breast at the same time for a small fibriod.

Mid November 2001 - I started 4 cycles of Intravenous Chemotherapy. Drugs, cannot remember the clear one.. the red liquid one was Adriamycin. This was a very terrible time for me, as I reacted strongly to the side effects of this treatment. Even though the infusion was only about 1/2 hour, my nightmare started from the moment they injected the anti-nausea drug into me. I hated the smell and taste. The chemo drugs gave me extreme head pain. I will scream and cry through the entire infusion.

Nausea - despite all the anti nauseating drug/pill that they gave me, I could not stop vomiting. I was completely out of it… since day 1.

As for balding. I did the kiasu thing, I shave off my hair to a complete ball.

Radiotherapy - I did an intensive 30 days radiotherapy, for about a month after my cycle 4. This was a breeze. In between all these , I had the CT Scan which I too reacted quite badly to the contrast, hence nowadays, no more oral contrast for me.

When I had my relapse in 2006, I found another lump again in my right breast through self check, although my mammogram was reported as clear! Went for more check ups and found out that the cancer cells has moved to my liver. I had one 5.8cm and a 3.2cm tumour in my liver. I was put on Paclitaxel (Taxol) and Gemcitabine (Gemzar) for 8 cycles.

We stopped at 8 cycles because, we saw very minimal improvement from cycle 7 to cycle 8. My onco then decided to put me on Hormonal Therapy, which would mean I would be forced into early Menopause. I was then put on Femara and Zoladex for 6 months. The first 3 months response to the Hormonal Therapy was great, however when I did my test again after 6 months of this therapy. My cancer marker has gone way much higher than before. Furthermore, my back was in terrible pain, so much so that I had to stay at home for about 2 days.

I went for a series of scans again, and found that the cancer cells had decided to go on a holiday and some migrated to my back bone. Hence in August 2007, I started my chemo again. I am not sure how many cycles I will be put through this time, as it all depends on how my tumour is responding to the treatment. The drugs that are now in my body are Vinorelbine (Navelbine) - Intravenous and Capecitabine (Xeloda) - Oral.

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Woah! You went through so many relapses! It must be really tough on you and your family. Who is your caregiver, the person who has gone through all these great ordeals with you?

Well I have to say I am blessed to have many caregivers *laugh* Hence, it depends on which occasion and what situation.

When I am undergoing treatment, I would mostly shift back to my mum’s place. She cooks my meals, and also brews my Chinese medication. She is amazing I tell you. Like last year, I suffered extreme bodyaches from the side effects of Pacitaxel (the previous round of chemotherapy drug). She would religiously massage me with ginger oil, each night before I sleep. She will also prepare all the heat packs for me to sooth my aching joints….

She basically does everything for me, from preparing my food, to washing my clothes, and sometimes, she spoils me rotten by even making sure that the water bottle by my bedside is always filled with alkaline water.

During my down days after chemo, I am usually very fussy with food. Some of the smells are just unbearable (a result of the side effect) and sometimes, I am just in such a irritable mood, that I pick on my food. Mumsy the super caregiver, would try her utmost best to cater to all these tantrums, and whims with no complaints.

All these are done on top of her looking after the house, my dad and her part-time job at the Singapore Post. She is also the standby companion whenever I need someone to accompany me for some of my treatments/scans. Why else do I think my mum is amazing? -At 70 years old she is nothing short of a Hero =)

However, when it comes to hospital stay, eg when I am hospitalised for any operation etc, my sister takes over the role of being my main caregiver at the hospital. She will be the one that will be with me from the minute I admit myself into the hospital, to the operating theatre and back. She will be the one holding the purge bag, when I come out of GA. Trust me, it is not an easy task, for I react very very badly to anesthesia. Hence, the vomiting can last for up to 8 hours continuously. She will also be the one to stay overnight at the hospital to keep this scardy cat company *grin*

For the whole of last year, my main companion for my chemo treatments was my cousin. She was there with me for all the treatments, making sure that I have my cup of warm water, that the nurses give me my hot packs, and I have enough blanket to cover myself.

I have a household full of WOnDERWomen too!

Again, I must not forget God, he is my main caregiver for my soul, my emotional strength. He takes care of me when I feel lonely, when my ex-hubby made me upset, and when I feel weak and despondent. He always makes sure that I have wonderful caregivers, when he knows I need them most.

A good example is like this year, with so many things happening in her life at the same time, my cousin was not able to company me for my chemo treatments. God somehow arranged it in some ways, that a friend of mine miraculously offered her help and had been an amazing companion. Of course, this is something I do not expect, but greatly appreciate. This is a good example of how, sometimes, when we leave things in God’s hands, everything will fall nicely together.

< to be continued...>

Hey everyone,

My ah lau has made me a WeAreWonderWomen.Com wallpaper to celebrate the 1 year anniversary for this site =)

Feel free to download (choose from one of the sizes below) and use the wallpaper on your computer! Let’s use this to spread cancer awareness to more young women.

> Wallpaper001_800 x 600
> Wallpaper001_1024 x 768
> Wallpaper001_1280 x 1024
> Wallpaper001_1600 x 1200
> Wallpaper001_1680 x 1050

As some of you may have already know, I was awarded The Singapore Woman Award 2008 during yesterday’s gala dinner:) Well, I was very taken aback because I didn’t expect it at all as all the other nominees have more compelling stories that inspire people. I’m hoping to share their stories in my next entry. =)

Just before the result was announced, I was still happily enjoying my pan-roasted fillet and telling my hubby that the fillet was “very nice leh, nice leh.” Suddenly, I heard my name being called! Oh no… I immediately swallowed the many bits of fillet in my mouth with the soonest speed, at the same time covering my mouth with both hands, looking as if I was showing a happy gesture. Hahaha! Hmm… besides I had to do a quick check on my breath for fishy smells. Hehehe!

Strangely to say, I wasn’t worrying about stage fright at all as I walked up the stage to receive the award. I guessed at that moment, my mind was only filled with thoughts like, “Why me?”, “I wonder why?”, “This is impossible!”

I gave a thank you speech that came straight from my mind. As I stood in the middle of the stage delivering a speech that wasn’t even prepared before hand, it was surprisingly that I didn’t tremble at all! Oh dear… I have become so thick-skinned now! Hahaha!

After the award presentation came a long session of photoshoot which was quite tiring for me. Then I realised that I was feeling a bit dizzy because too many people were coming forward to congratulate me. Hahaha! For the entire night, all I saw was hands and hands,  handshakes and more handshakes… *dizzy spells*. My mind then was only thinking of slipping away and heading straight home as soon as possible, remove my wig, take a bath and have a goodnight rest. Heehee!

However, I’m still glad that I stayed throughout the photoshoot because I managed to take a picture with Mdm Theresa Hsu! See the photo below!

As I returned to my table seat, Ms Catherine Lim, our well-known local writer came up to our table, congratulated me, and then offered to send me a copy of her book that she said will be a humourous and light-hearted read. Oh dear… she was such a kind and wonderful lady. Honestly, the moment I saw Ms Catherine Lim, my mind was only thinking about her short stories collections, like ”Or Else, the Lightning God and Other Stories“, “Little Ironies: Stories of Singapore“, and was reminded of my past Literature examinations… oh my… Hehehe. However, I do enjoy reading her short stories very much, other than the fact that I need to face those dreadful examinations after reading. Heehee!   

WeAreWonderWomen.Com is one year old this month. I would like to take this opportunity to thank my fellow wonderwomen, caregivers, friends and supporters. I couldn’t have accomplished this without your generous support and encouragement for this site. And yes, I felt indebted to everyone of you for receiving The Singapore Woman Award 2008. With your love and support, I have become the Singapore (Wonder) Woman of the Year. =)

Check out the following news articles about the award:)
- Cancer survivor wins MediaCorp’s Singapore Woman award
- Ordinary heroine’s gift of hope … and life
And a video interview by Channel News Asia!

Hey everyone, tonight is the gala dinner for the The Singapore Woman Award 2008. Hmm… I’m very excited to attend the dinner, not because I’m eager to win the award but because of the wonderful opportunity to meet other inspiring women.

Tonight’s guest of honour is Mdm Teresa Hsu and I’m very excited to meet her in person. As some of you might know, Teresa Hsu spent her entire life helping and caring for the aged, sick and destitutes. She is an amazing woman and a GOD-send angel to the needy. She is also known as “Singapore’s Mother Teresa”. 

If I manage to strike a conversation with her, I will ask, “What is your secret for a long and healthy life?” Teresa Hsu is a centenarian and to cancer patients, we are always envious and curious to know more about someone who is leading a long and healthy life. Heehee.

From the programme list that I received for tonight’s event, there will be a stage interview for all nominators and nominees of this award. On my… I have stage fright! So please… everyone, pray that I will not die of stage fright tonight!

Honestly speaking, all I want for tonight is to snap pictures of the sumptuous dinner, pictures of me wearing a wig, and any other subjects of interests that I may find to share with my wonderwomen and supporters of this site. Hehehe.

Thank you all for supporting WeAreWonderWomen.Com all this while. Your constant support is the reason that I am nominated for tonight’s award. I thank you all sincerely for this kindness that you have shown to me and other wonderwomen:)

I met up with WonderWoman Fleur last Monday at Compass Point. We arranged to meet outside Polar Puffs and Cakes and I managed to find an empty seat nearby to rest my lazy butt while waiting for Fleur.

Just as I was enjoying people watching, my handphone suddenly buzzed with a sms from Fleur and immediately I called her. The person who picked up the call spoke with a soft and sweet voice. Oh my… so that was how Fleur sound like! She asked, “Molly, where are you?” I replied, “eh… I’m walking towards Polar Puffs and Cakes because I couldn’t find a nearest seat to rest.”

As I walked towards the entrance of the cakeshop, my instinct told me that the lady who stood with her back facing me is Fleur, although I have never met her before in person. It was probably my own imagination of Fleur, from reading her blog and through the numerous sms, emails and Facebook messages we exchanged. =)

On thinking that, I chuckled, “Heehee! I’m actually standing behind you. Hahaha!”

Yes, Fleur looked exactly liked her photo. In fact, she does not look like someone who is 4 years older than me. Hmm… she really know how to maintain leh. Gotta asked her for some beauty tips to share with my fellow WonderWomen. We did not feel awkward or uneasy with each other at all because we have a mutual topic to talk about which is CANCER and it seems that we have known each other for a long period of time. Hahaha! I was totally comfortable and at eased with Fleur, talking and sharing about my own cancer experience, and of course my silly jokes. Haha!

After meeting Fleur, I realised that she is indeed an honest and genuine lady because she blogged exactly like who she is. I know some bloggers do not really blog in their real personality while others lied in their blog entries. Fleur whereas blogged exactly on how she feel and what she went through for her cancer journey. I’m so proud of her! She is really very cool!

That day, Fleur gave me some calcium pills (for my bone to prevent osteoporosis since I menopaused liao), multivitamins pills, and a bar of organic chocolate. Wah! She was so sweet and thoughtful! Moreover, what can be happier than to meet a virtual fellow fighter in real person?

That night, I didn’t sleep well because I was questioning GOD on why he had let Fleur to get cancer because she is such a kind and wonderful lady. When Fleur shared with me that she had to endure complaints and scoldings from her clients at times, I truly felt the pain for her. Can you imagine she had to cope with her chemo treatments, and simultaneously with the pressures she faced at work? It is not easy at all!

Well, sometimes I will share with my loved ones that my bitchiness was probably the reason for my cancer. To me, it was something similar to the Chinese belief, “bao yin.” (retribution in Mandarin). Hahaha! However, my loved ones, especially my hubby loved me for my bitchiness. Hmm… I wondered why leh. Hehe! Of course, all my friends love to hear me bitch too! You see, I need a channel to release my stress, right? Heehee.

As for Fleur, I really feel that she don’t deserve to have cancer. Really. She is such a kind and gentle lady. Likewise, when I went home to share with my mama about Fleur, my mama replied, “You are a good person too. Everyone also says that you don’t deserve this at all.” Hey friends, if you are reading this entry, do you agree with my mama? Hahaha!

I guessed what “Hope For Life” shared in one of her entries about cancer always bullying nice people is quite true. All the cancer patients that I met in Gynaecological Cancer Center (GCC) are really nice, kind and gentle people. Well, sometimes I really wondered why? Maybe cancer does have a life of its own. Perhaps it only bully nice people.

I was at Mediacorp Publishing last Thursday for a photoshoot because I was being nominated for The Singapore Woman Award 2008 organised by Vanilla magazine, and is now one of the 8 finalists!

Well, I was very surprised to hear this news from my hubby (who nominated me) because there are many many more inspiring women in Singapore who have touched and made a difference in the lives of others, while this online cancer support group that I started consists of mainly silly and crappy entries. I wonder how many people I have actually inspired or encouraged? Hahaha!

(Online TODAY newspaper on 23th February 2008, reporting The  Singapore Woman Award 2008, available online at  http://www.todayonline.com/articles/239144.asp)

My photoshoot was arranged at 10am by Theresa Tan, the Senior Editor of Vanilla from Mediacorp Publishing. Theresa is such a warm, kind and understanding woman! She had specially sheduled an early morning photoshoot for me to make sure that the session will end just before my chemo appointment. She had even discussed with her creative team to find the best possible way to make me feel physically comfortable for the photoshoot so that I will not be tired out. I was really very touched!

Pamela Ho, the Assistant Editor of Vanilla is another warm and friendly woman I met that day. She was there talking to my ah lau while he waited for me to do my make-up, hairdo and clothes. Pamela was trying her best to make me and my ah lau feel relaxed, and when I tried the clothes for the photoshoot, Pamela will kindly said, “so cute, so cute, she’s so cute!” Well, deep down I knew that I looked fat and ugly lor. Yes, “cute” was perhaps the best word to describe me. Hahahaha!

My stylist for the day (yes, I have a professional stylist to attend to me!) was the best stylist in Singapore - Fong-Fan, the Executive Stylist for 8Days. She chose a few dresses to hide my flaws (bulging stomach resulted from the few operations), eventually settling for 2 long slinky dresses with lots of glitters beads, one black and the other in white.

The minute I stepped into the dressing room, I immediately peeped at the label tag of those 2 dresses and saw “Christian Dior.” Hmmm… I must really take good care not to spoil them. Those dresses were too long for me because I have short legs! Hahaha! Fong-Fan then made me wear 6-inch high heels (that she described as ’stilts’) to go with the elegant dresses. I could barely support my own weight on them and I kept losing my balance! So embarassing! However, she was very very patient with me throughout.

Next, Fong-Fan put on a big kimono jacket with black fur trim on me, and she said, “YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST GLAMOUROUS!” I chuckled on hearing that because I knew the creative team must have been reading my blog. They knew that I love to wear glittering and shimmering stuffs to make myself look glamourous. Haha!

After the clothes trying came the make-up and hairdo session. Heehee. I was very excited! To me, it was like a FREE make-over session. Haha! Agnes the make-up artist helped to do my make-up. Oh my… I really looked completely different! Agnes was so professional and meticulous because she knew where my flaws are, and concealed them as best as she could!

When Agnes was almost done with the make up, the hairstylist Gary took over with the styling of my hair. He was very gentle with handling my hair. I’m quite sure the creative team must have pre-empt him that I’m a cancer patient with thinning hair and weak hair roots. Just imagined chunks of my hair getting pulled out if he used too much strength! Then I’ll probably looked like a clown! Haha!

Gary and Agnes were having some small talk while styling me up, and I overheard their conversation…

Agnes: David leh?
Gary: In Europe…
Agnes: Ryan leh?
Gary: Also not around.
Molly: (talking to myself in silent) David? David Gan from Passion Hair Salon? Oh my… that means Gary must also be from Passion Salon! Hmm… I wonder how much I have to pay to get my hair styled at Passion Salon?

Well, I was so happy lor. As you know I’m not a rich taitai and I usually have my haircuts at neighbourhood salons which are already good enough for me. Heehee!

Stylist, hair stylist and make-up artist, all fussing over me =)

After all these are done, I’m finally ready for the photoshoot. Joel is the photographer for the shoot. If I’m not mistaken, I think he is a celebrity photographer with lots of experience and has taken the pictures of many mediacorp artistes. He is really very good.

Well, I was liked a blockhead throughout the whole shoot because I didn’t know how to poise at all! Fong-Fan and the rest of the team were trying to make me smile naturally at the camera but somehow I was still pretty uncomfortable. I am only used to taking my own photos using my handphone camera in the bathroom! Hehehe. However, they were all very patient with me.

Honestly, I really pitied Joel and respected him for his professionalism lor. It is because he had to endure looking at this “lau cha bor” (me) for hours, who smiled so unnaturally at the camera. Not crinchy and nauseaous for him meh?

All the photos I took for that day, together with an “exclusive” interview with me, will be available in the April’s issue of Vanilla Magazine. And the results for The Singapore Woman Award 2008 will be announced on 26th March, during the gala dinner, which my ah lau and I will be attending. Will keep everyone posted =)

I’m writing this entry not to let anyone feel sad for me, neither am I trying to gain sympathy out of this. Well, I just need to update everyone, especially my friends, wonderwomen and supporters of this site about my latest CA125 result. Yes, it’s bad news again.

Since Nov 2007, my CA125 has been creepily crawling from the initial 13 to 26, thereafter 26 to 57, followed by 57 to 78, then continued to rise further from 87 to 605 and eventually reaching 2121 today! Yes, I got a shock! I wondered why? Well, I am really feeling well and fine, both inside and outside. Strange to say, why is my tumour marker rising up again and again?

However, my fight will continue. I will go through whatever treatments that is available for me. However, I have also prepared myself for the worst because I have lost the confidence in winning this fight. Really.

A cancer fight is almost similar to a child preparing for his/her examination. He/she will do the daily assessments, study hard and hope to pass with flying colours. Likewise I will go for chemo and treatments and hope for recovery and remission. However, it seems like I had failed again and again. So how am I going to feel confident enough to win this fight?

Lately, I have been lying in bed and thinking about GOD and heaven. The thought of meeting GOD in heaven warmed my heart and a sense of peace emerged from within me. I just felt so relaxed thinking of GOD and heaven. God is really merciful and gracious because he knows that I’m feeling tired and I need his comfort, and going to heaven means the end of all sufferings and struggles.

If I lose this fight and leave this world, my departure will mean a faithful and loving man losing his wife, two dutiful and loving parents losing their daughter, a loving and caring older sister losing her sister, a man of few words but a heart of gold losing his sister-in-law, a caring and generous mother-in-law losing her daughter-in-law, a bunch of caring and genuine people losing their friend, and some men losing an ex. girlfriend or an ex. ex. girlfriend or an ex. ex. ex… Hahahaha! Oh yah… and some secret admirers losing their object of admiration. Oh! Just look at how thick-skinned I am! Hahaha!

I guess it will be very mean and cruel of me to leave behind so many people while I’m myself enjoying in heaven. It is selfish, isn’t it? I am fighting this cancer battle blindly because I don’t know where it will lead me to. I don’t know what GOD had planned for me. But I know he works in the most mysterious, beautiful and perfect way.

I trust him totally that even if I die of cancer one day, it will not be a painful one because he will take away all my pain until my very last breath, as he is my heavenly father who will never leave nor forsake me.

Last Saturday, I was feeling really so weak and painful from the side effects of my chemo that I had to be confined at home. It was such a boring Saturday. As I was slouching on my sofa with a grouchy face, I suddenly heard someone knocked on my house door. I thought it must be the postman because my ah lau had earlier reminded me to keep a look-out for a hand-delivered mail while he is out for his Remedial Training (he failed his IPPT, haha!)

What greeted me at the door was yet another pleasant surprise from my good friend Jenny! Jenny had actually couried to me a pot of flowers and a HeirloomAsia accessory nicely wrapped (with the HeirloomAsia logo printing elegantly throughout) and tied with a black ribbon (check out the photos below).

Well, I was sooo touched! Do I deserve such a pleasant surprise from my dear friend? Am I worth so much of her efforts and time to cheer me up? Like I mentioned before, “she is someone whom I have not invested any time and concerns for the past 12 years.”

And just a few days before this, some of my Secondary School classmates started dropping some heart-warming messages to me. For example, ZhangFang whom I have not been keeping in touch for 6 years smsed and called me several times to check on my latest updates. Like my sister, ZhangFang kept questioning the reason for my cancer, till the extent that she got jolted up in the middle of her sleep when she dreamt of me. The amount of concerns that she has shown to me weighted just as much as that of my own sister.

Likewise, Jia Hui (one of my very closed Secondary School classmate) sent smses to show her concerns for me. Oh well, we have also lost touched for at least 15 years! What have I done to deserve so much concerns from all my old friends whom I have not invested any time on for decades?

On Friday, I received one more pleasant surprise from another closed Secondary School classmate - Jennie. Jennie had sent me a huge box of pink roses along with a very very cute plush toy (check out the photos below). The lovely surprise came with a card from Jennie with the following words:

     “Dear Hui Li (a.k.a Molly)

     Have been missing you since we lost contact. Glad to have you back. 
     Admire your courage and cheerfulness you have. To me, you will      
     always be the perfect Virgo gal. Strongly believe that your prayers
     have been answered. Send my regards to your family. Missing you 
     very much ya. Cheers.

     With Love, Jennie

I remembered during our Secondary School days, when any of our teachers shouted for “Jenny”, both Jenny (of HeirloomAsia) and Jennie will raise their hand to knowledge their presence. The entire class will then asked our teacher, “which “Jenny” are you calling for?”, and the teacher will normally get confused and embarassed! Haha!

I wondered, what have I done to receive so much love and attention from my old friends. People whom I have not been keeping in touched for years, but yet now showing me so much genuine feelings and concerns. They have all warmed my heart! So much so that I have ran out of words to describe this sense of happiness that I’m feeling right now.